LEATHER GODDESSES OF PHOBOS - Infocom (Part 2)

         Solution sent in by John R. Barnsley

@~Continued from Issue 15 where we'd just got back to the Royal Docks.

Moored to the end of this dock is a royal barge. To the south is a
ruined castle.  Go south. You are in the throne room of King
Mitre. It seems that we've been wrong all along about the legend
of King Midas; he, who we always thought could turn things into
gold by his mere touch. It seems his real name was King Mitre,
and, in fact, everything he touched turned into forty-five degree
angles.  Everything, including his own daughter. You notice one
angle in particular -- prominent because of its long golden
tresses and flowing white gown. Unlimber your handy-dandy jar of
unAngling cream.  Rub the unAngling cream on the daughter. Slowly,
the angle turns into King Mitre's beautiful daughter, Princess
Theta. Mitre is so happy to see her again that he rewards you with
a truly useful gift, a perfect eighty-two degree angle. (He
explains he only brushed against it.) Take the angle.  Hey! Your
batting average is going up! You now have two objects out of
eight.  Put the angle in the basket with the hose. By the way, at
this point your inventory may be a bit top-heavy. I mean, what
good is a jar of unAngling cream, now that it's empty? And who
needs a TEE-Remover Machine after it's done its work? That stool
isn't much good, either. Unless you're terribly possessive about
such things, go ahead, drop them, along with the matchbook, the
scrap of paper and any other flotsam you still have. On the other
hand, no sense being a litterbug. Why not pick a central spot
where you can drop them unobtrusively?  (I chose the basement
below my cell.) Nothing like being tidy, eh? And you never know
when something might come in handy.  On the other hand, if you're
a slob, there's no penalty in the game for dropping things
wherever you please, once you've used them. Just make sure not to
drop anything prematurely.

After you've got your angle tucked away, leave good King Mitre. As
you depart, you realize the dummy has inadvertently touched the
princess again, but you can't do anything about that.  It's time
to visit the Martian desert.  Go south. You've come to a Ruin, one
of many you'll encounter. Go south again.  You're still in the
desert. Go east to Another Ruin. Sitting on a rock is a truly
repulsive frog. I mean, this one is the repulsive frog of all
repulsives in the frog kingdom. It is also wearing a little gold
crown.  Go ahead, kiss the frog. Yuck! The frog is so ugly you
just cannot bring yourself to kiss it. Yet, instinctively you
realize that somehow, some way you've just got to screw up your
courage, pucker up and plant one on its repulsive kisser.  For
now, though, go west, then, north to Yet Another Ruin.  This one
is unimpressive except for the fact that it does seem to contain a
black circle. No, don't stand on it (unless you have a hankering
to visit the basement below your cell).

Retrace your steps by going south to the frog, then, east to the
Dessert.  Very sharp-eyed gamesters will have noted the word
"dessert" above. "Ha!"  they will proclaim, "I knew the Sysop
editors around here didn't know how to spell!"  Wrongo, smahties.
The word IS Dessert. In fact, you're looking at a fifty foot
Martian Cream Pie. It is a mirage, of course. So are the trails
which appear to lead to the northwest and southwest from here.
(You were advised that all is not always as it seems in an Infocom
production.  Those trails are not mirages after all.) Go
southeast. You've come to an Oasis.  There is a little bunny
rabbit hippity-hopping around the premises.  Get him.  (What you
do with him, I confess, I haven't the foggiest. But I got him
anyway, so you might as well, too. Maybe he makes good rabbit
stew.) On the other hand, you also see a black circle here, and I
DO know what to do about that.  That's odd. The black circle
mysteriously turns white!  Get out your can and pour the black
stain on the circle. That's better.  Now it's black again.  Stand
on the circle. Whoosh! You're in Cleveland. (Remember, Cleveland?)

Go south.  Well, now, here's a lawn that somebody cares about.
Actually, it's a muddy patch of crabgrass, but there's a rake and
a sack full of leaves. Forget everything except the sack. Take it
and dump out the leaves.  Now that the sack is empty, you've got a
much better receptacle than your wicker basket.  Put all your
goodies except the blanket in the sack. Leave the blanket in the
basket.  It looks cute in there. Now go north, then, northeast.
You're standing inside a Teensy-Weensy House. Go upstairs and You
find yourself in a Bedroom containing an open window, an unmade
bed and a sheet lying half on the floor. Get the sheet.  Tear the
sheet into strips and tie the strips together (which forms a
rope), then tie the rope to the bed.  Throw the loose end of the
rope out the window. Your faithful friend, Trent/Tiffany, will now
shinny down the sheet. (If you try, you soon learn you're too
heavy and fall to your untimely demise. This is not terribly
important except that it ends the game.)

Once on the street, your pal will just have time to unscrew a
handy headlight before being unceremoniously struck by a truck
and, evidently, killed.  Before you can burst into tears over your
loss, your companion reappears in a cloud of falling plaster as
the ceiling above you collapses!  He offers an explanation of his
startling reincarnation, but I won't bore you with it here.  After
all, I presume you can read it for yourself if you're playing the
game. Anyway, take the headlight he/she is carrying and put it in
the sack. That's three out of eight! Time to leave picturesque
Cleveland, so go downstairs and go east into the garden behind the
Wee House.  There's a trellis against the house and a fresh piece
of sod.  Lifting the sod reveals another black circle! (If you
need to be told about the trellis, you're not paying attention.)
Stand on the circle. You're teleported to the basement below your
cell. You see, you could have come here from the black circle in
that ruin I told you about. But if you did that you might have
missed Cleveland, and...oh, forget it.

Right about here is where I dropped all my superfluous, used-up
junk. You see, I didn't have a solution like you've got, and I
didn't know whether I might not need my superfluous, used-up junk
again. For some reason which only a tentacled alien could divine,
the basement seemed like a logical spot.  Of course, being tidy
never hurt anyone, but I think I've covered this ground already.
Go upstairs. Go 'way upstairs, all the way to the Roof of the
Observatory, upstairs! This time, stand on the black circle there.
You will be back in the ruin just south of King Mitre's castle. Go
north.  Mitre will still be sitting on his throne, surrounded by
forty-five degree angles, looking dejected.  One of them has long
golden hair and a flowing white gown (sigh).  If only old Mitre

could keep his paws to himself! Well, leave him to his ruminations
and go north to the Royal Docks and board the barge.

You see some simple controls. Examine the controls. One is a huge
orange button, which reads "Magnetomoor On." The other is a huge
purple button. It reads, "Go With the Flow." Pushing the orange
button causes the words to read "Magnetomoor Off."  It also causes
the barge to drift away from the dock into the channel. Pushing
the purple button causes the words to read "Full Speed Ahead."  As
soon as you have pushed orange, push purple, wait one turn, and
push orange again. (You can pretty much forget about purple from
now on.) Anyway, by pushing orange you have reactivated the
Magnetomoor.  (Magnet-O-Moor, get it?) This is your dock/undock
device.  Since all the docks in the canal contain barge magnets,
all you need do to moor at one is push the orange button in a
timely fashion. To unmoor, push it again. All right, the first
dock you'll clank against is Baby Dock.

Disembarge and go north. You find yourself among the Dunes, and
there is a strange alien warrior lying dead here. Next to the
alien is a chapstick.  Get it.  Partially buried in the sand
nearby is a strangely coded message.  Get that, too. If you
carefully read your 3-D comic book which comes with LGOP, you will
recall a bit in there about a transposition code. You say you
forgot the code?  Well, go back and reread it. In the meantime,
I'll translate the strangely coded message. It says, "Your mission
is to contact wife number nnn (the number is inserted randomly) of
the sultan/sultaness and get the secret map. Identify yourself to
her by asking her to kiss your kneecaps."  Now, wasn't that easy?
Leave the alien in the dunes and go back to your barge. Board the
barge and go through the orange button ritual. The second and
extremely opulent dock you come to is THIS is My Kind of Dock!
When you reach it, exit the barge and go east.

You will be in the Main Hall of the Palace. Go south to the
Laundry Room and get the clothespin. Now go back north into the
Main Hall and east into the Oriental Garden.  Here, you see a well
containing handholds downward.  Climb down.  At the bottom of the
well is a black circle. You land upon it and are immediately
transported back to the barge. This is a good circle to know
about. It teleports you to wherever you've parked your barge, and
this knowledge will come in mighty handy later in the game. For
now, though, re-exit the barge and go back into the palace. From
the main hall, go northeast.  Now, if you're playing this game as
a male you will be in the sultan's palace.  If you're a
lady-person, your host-person will be a sultaness.  In either
case, you find yourself in the Audience Chamber confronting one or
the other, as the case may be. Whomever it is, sultan or
sultaness, will confront you with a riddle. Your faithful
companion will burst out with a dumb answer and wind up being
tossed to the tigers by the palace eunuchs. Alas! You were
beginning to be fond of him/her, but on with the game.

Alas, again!  You're next if you don't get it right. The answer to
the riddle is, "Riddle."  So type SAY "RIDDLE."  Oh, goody! The
sultan/ess begrudgingly rewards you with an hour of rapturous
bliss with one of his/her 8,379 wives/husbands.  Hie thee west
into the harem. Here you are confronted by a harem guard who asks
you to make a selection, any number from 1 to 8,379. Naturally,
you pick the number you gleaned from the coded message.
(Remember, the message was written backward, which means the
number was backward, too.) Wait a bit and soon your choice will
beckon you to her/his obscenely luxurious bed chamber. Ahem <er>
afterward, type TELL WIFE/HUSBAND, "KISS MY KNEECAPS."  Your
partner will present you with a secret map of the catacombs. (It
comes in your game package, by the way, but you'll probably still
need my directions to get through the maze. Try it without them,
you'll see.)

She/he also pulls aside the covers and indicates a secret passage
down. You are told it's the only way out of the harem. Take the
torch he/she gives you and go down.  You are now in the catacombs.
Well, what do you know.  Here's your faithful companion
Trent/Tiffany with another outlandish explanation of his/her
reappearance. You listen and then decide to push on.  For my
money, your visit to the catacombs is the toughest part of the
game.  I have to admit I had help here. (Oh, all right, I had help
in a couple of other places, too. Golly! I never can get through
these dumb games without help!  Besides, I HATE games!) Anyway,

you need to follow these directions carefully, including those
about "Hop, Clap and Kweepa." (I TOLD you to read the comic book.)

Okay, here we go: NW, N, NE, E, CLAP, NE, NE, SE, HOP, CLAP,
KWEEPA, D, NW, NE, CLAP, N, S, HOP, NE, CLAP, U, KWEEPA, NW. Get
the phone book. (Four out of eight!) CLAP, NW, HOP, S, SE, CLAP,
SE, D, KWEEPA, NE, CLAP, HOP, W, N, NW, CLAP, E, W, KWEEPA, HOP,
CLAP, SW, SW. Get the raft. N, CLAP, NE, E, HOP, KWEEPA, CLAP, NW,
NE, SE, U, CLAP, NW, HOP. Stand on the black circle.  That's it.

But be sure to follow the directions precisely. Of course, if you
prefer being devoured by a Martian crocodile or some such, you can
always find your own way.  Presuming you wind up at the black
circle and stand on it, you will be teleported directly to the
Well Bottom. You've been there before so you know the black circle
at the bottom will take you right back to your barge.  After the
catacombs, the royal barge is kind of cozy. But there's no time to
dally. Exit the barge and go east into the palace again.  This
time, go east into the Oriental Garden and from there, southeast
to the base of a Tower. Actually, it's a Minaret with stairs
leading upward so go up.  The view here is breathtaking, almost as
nice as the clifftop back in the jungle.  But there's also a black
circle here. Stand on it. Zowie!  You find yourself in a cramped
space which, as it turns out, is right over your cell!  You don't
know that, of course, until the floor collapses and you find
yourself tumbling through the resultant orifice into your cell.
Hm, that's odd.  There's a black circle here. Never noticed that
before.  (That's because it wasn't there before, Venusian Bird
Brain!) As it turns out, this circle takes you to the main hall of
the palace, but we don't want to go there this time.  Exit the
cell (south) and go up to the Observatory Roof. Stand on the
circle and you're back in the Martian Desert (with one "s" this
time).

Go east to the frog.  Ah, yes, you remember that ugliest of ugly
frogs? Now you have both the will and the means to kiss this total
grossness. Put the clothespin on your nose.  Rub the lip balm on
your lips. Then, drop everything you're carrying and cover your
ears with your hands. Close your eyes.  At last! Kiss the frog!
Ooooh, another rapturous interlude with one of the opposite sex.
It turns out you're not quite (humph!) satisfied, but at least
"the one" leaves you with a small token of affection. It's a
household blender.  Take it. Put it in the sack. (You have been
using the sack, haven't you?) If I reckon right, that's five out
of eight. We're getting there!  Leave the ruin and go east into
the Dessert once more. Yes, the one with two "s's." Then meander
southeast to the Oasis. Stand on the circle and return to
Cleveland. No particular reason for another trip to Cleveland,
really. You could have gone to the other ruin which has a black
circle and gone directly to your cell. It's just that I sorta feel
sorry for Cleveland.  Nobody in his/her right mind would EVER go
there twice, would they?  On the other hand, nobody in his/her
right mind would play computer games, either. Would they? Anyway,
you're back in Cleveland.

Go northeast, then east (into the garden) and get yourself zapped
back to the hallway near your cell.  Go down into the basement and
dump your extraneous jetsam, especially the clothespin. You'd look
pretty silly going up against the Leather Goddesses wearing a
clothespin on your nose, right?  After you've lightened your load,
go up into your cell and stand on the black circle.  You find
yourself back in the Main Hall of the Palace. You might want to
wipe off that gooey lip balm here. Exit the palace to the west and
enter your barge. Push orange. Wait. Push it again. (You know the
drill.) Wait until your barge clangs up against Wattz-Upp Dock.
You hear a gurgling noise to the west (it's the Oasis). Exit the
barge. When you're standing on the dock, reach over and push
orange. That's right, push it! So what if your barge goes shooting
out into the canal without you. Trust me.  Go west to the Oasis,
stand on the circle and, voila: Beautiful, downtown CLEVELAND!  (I
told you I felt sorry! Now I'm sorry I did this one more time. I
mean, who needs Cleveland tha-ree times?) Oh, well, you're not
here for long.

Go back to the garden, the black circle and...the hallway near
your cell.  Go up to the Observatory Roof and stand on the circle.
A pause here for a comment or two. Make that a rebuttal. Yeah, I
can hear all you wisenheimers out there knocking my route. And I
freely admit there might be better ways to go, bypassing my
revisits to dear, picturesque downtown Cleveland.  Didn't I tell
you there was no particular sequence you had to follow?  C'mon,
didn't I? You know it, fella. Hey, if you've got something against
Cleveland, go ahead, write your own solution. I digress. You're
back in the desert.  You've sent your barge down the canal,
pilotless. What to do? Go west to Yet Another Ruin.  Now go
northwest. You've reached Hickory & Dickory Dock. What's this? A
mouse! Show the picture (of the pussy cat) to the mouse.  The poor
thing is frozen with fear. Get the mouse. (Only two more goodies
to go!) Now go south, back to Yet Another Ruin. Stand on the black
circle. Once more, you are in the basement below your cell....

@~To be concluded in Issue 17.