LEATHER GODDESSES OF PHOBOS - Infocom (Part 3) Sent in by John R Barnsley @~Continued from Issue 16 where we'd just arrived back in the @~basement under the cell. Got anything to drop? How about that torch? It went "phhttttt" long ago. Okay, let it go. Next stop, upstairs to your cell. Stand on the black circle. You arrive at the palace. Go east into the Oriental Garden and enter the well. Well, well (a little humor there, folks) you're zapped from the Well Bottom right slap dab onto your barge. Where is it? Why, it's right here at the Icy Dock, 'way, 'way down at the southern terminus of the canal. Okay, I'll bite. Why didn't you just take the scenic route aboard the barge all the way down the canal to here? It would have been restful and, well, scenic; not to mention saving a lot of aggravation, wouldn't it, boobie? Well, for one thing, you would have missed those neato trips to Cleveland. For another, you probably would have missed the mouse, too. Oh, and one other point: If you'd taken the barge route you would have died. It seems there is this gigantic machine just before you get to the Icy Dock. It's some sort of Martian (Phobotian?) energy machine, and it used to supply power to the whole planet. It doesn't work quite like it used to, but it works just well enough to send a lethal ion beam out over the canal. If you try to pass through it, say, on a barge, well, first you get a little headache. Then you get a truly humongous headache. Finally, after the humongous headache assumes gigantically unbearable proportions you, er, explode. And that's a fact. Aren't you glad we went to Cleveland? Okay, from the Icy Dock, exit the barge and go south. Oh, no, your faithful pal Trent/Tiffany slips on the ice and disappears into the frigid waters of the canal. No matter, go south, like I said. You are at the edge of the polar ice cap. Needless to say, it's cold. Go southeast. Oh, good grief! Your passage forward is blocked by a whole waddling phalanx of penguins! One of them is carrying a sign. Read the sign. It suggests that you donate to the Penguin Relief Fund. Well, there's nothing for it but to give your coin (the Marsmid tenner) to the penguin. The penguin thanks you graciously, and gives you your change, a one Marsmid coin. (You don't know it yet, but the little guy just did you a favor.) The penguins part to let you pass, so go southeast. You arrive at a gypsy camp. About the only thing here is a single forlorn tent, pitched on the north side of the camp. You are greeted by two robots, a male and a female (they're gypsies, see). No sooner do they invite you in for tiffin than a meteorite swoops down and kills both robots dead. Oh, dear, from inside the tent you hear the wail of a baby crying, "Mommy." Enter the tent. Sure enough, it's a gypsy robot baby. Get the baby and put it in your wicker basket. Oh, that's nice. The baby appreciates the warmth of the blanket and instantly goes to sleep. As for you, exit the tent and go south - to the South Pole, as a matter of fact. What else would you expect to find at the South Pole? Righto! It's an Igloo! But the front door is locked. Gazing through the igloo window you are tantalized by the sight of a pair of cotton balls. Instantly, your brain cells focus, cutting through the fog of forgetfulness like lasers. You suddenly recall that cotton balls were on the list. How to get them? Let's re-read that description of the igloo one more time. Yessir, I thought so. There's a sign over the door. It reads, "Martian Orphanages, Inc., South Polar Branch." Well, what do you suppose might be an appropriate action for someone carrying an orphan in a basket to take, standing like you are on the doorstep of an orphanage? Listen, if you can't figure this one out for yourself, you never, ever should try another text adventure game again. After all, you might have to get through the next one without a solution. Hey, you're smahtah than I thought you were! You put the wicker basket on the doorstep. Then, you hide behind a snowdrift and wait. Sure enough, from inside the igloo emerges a matronly woman of immense proportions. She takes the basket and its contents into the igloo and closes the door. But she doesn't lock it. Open the door, enter the igloo, get the cotton balls and scram. Retrace your steps north to the gypsy camp, northwest to the penguin park, then go west to the Allusion Room. As it turns out, the Allusion Room is nothing more or less than a black circle. Stand on it. You are whisked back to the Oasis. Well, I'll be a petrified penguin! Here's Trent/Tiffany, emerging alive and well. The saga of how he/she survived the fall into the icy waters is too bizarre to bear repeating, so we'll move right along. Stand on the circle at the Oasis. Guess where we are now? Cleveland!!! This is really ridiculous, so let's beat feet. Get into that garden and onto the circle. You're back in the hallway so go on up one more time to the Observation Room (the one with the closet to the north). Go into the closet. It's too dark to see, but you can still stand on the circle. I'm sure you remember it takes you to the jungle. Leave the jungle by way of the circle on the clifftop. Go ahead, there won't be any flytraps, salesmen or mad scientists to stop you. You are teleported for the last time to the Royal Docks. (Just a tad away is Mitre's castle, but you're not going there this time.) Instead, put your raft (the one you've been lugging along since you found it in the catacombs) into the water. Board the raft. Here, you have to be alert. As you drift down the canal in your raft, you might be lulled into your customary state of not carefully reading the descriptions in the game. Do not permit this to occur. What you're looking for is a passage indicating that a dock is close enough for you to grab. Actually, you will pass several docks which are eminently grabbable. Grab them all just to be on the safe side. The one you want is Donald Dock. When you've grabbed Donald Dock, exit the raft (you pull it onto the dock for safe-keeping). Go south to the Dunetop. From here, go east to the Canalview Mall. There appears to be just one shop in the mall worth visiting and it lies to the south. Go south. You are in the Exit Shop. The sign says, "Exits bought and sold." Buy an Exit. Now, I told you the penguins did you a favor. If you had tried to buy the Exit with your ten Marsmid coin, the shopkeeper (one of the more lively gents in the story, by the way) would have refused you. It seems Exits cost just one Marsmid and he wouldn't dream of overcharging you nor can he make change. As things stand, he takes your one Marsmid coin and, sleepily, hands you a cardboard tube. It falls into the dust. Retrieve the tube, open it and you find your Exit. What's an Exit, for goodness sakes? It's a sort of collapsible black circle, that's what. Tuck it away and go north, then west, then north, back to Donald Dock. Re-launch your raft, board it and drift. Once again, grab any dock you see. Eventually, you will come to Wattz-Upp Dock. Exit your raft, leave it and head to the Oasis. Stand on the circle. Now really, gang! I'm sorry. But there was no other way. Just forget it's Cleveland, go to the garden and stand on the circle. I promise. We won't be coming back. Hey, you've got seven items out of eight. That ain't all bad. Isn't it worth just one more trip to Cleveland? Oh. Listen, you don't have to get nasty about this. Once back in the hallway, go up to the closet in the Observation Room and stand on the circle. When you get to the jungle, go west. You're in the Spawning Ground. And there's just one circle left you've never used before. Stand on the circle. You find yourself in the hold of a giant spaceship. There's a sword here. Oh, Lord! A dark figure appears from the shadows of the hold and hurls a radium-powered grenade onto the floor! Your faithful friend Trent/Tiffany hurls him/her self on the thing, saving you and giving up his life...quite messily if I may say, in the process. No time to lose! Get the sword. Don't dally either. Go south. You are in a stable where you find a magnificent white stallion. Actually, you are aboard the flagship of the LEATHER GODDESSES OF PHOBOS Main Attack Fleet. The stable you're in contains the Leather Goddesses' Main Attack Fleet Cavalry Mounts, of which the stallion is one. Mount the stallion and kick it in the flank. Go west. The stallion dashes down a long east-west corridor in the ship, reaching with stallion-like speed the main hatch of the ship. Here you spy a white therma suit. Dismount, put on the suit and open the hatch. Go north. You are in space. Floating near the battle cruiser you have just left is a small passenger spaceship. Near the small passenger spaceship is a sinister figure. He/she turns out to be Thorbast/Thorbala, who is further identified as the Chief Assassin of the LEATHER GODDESSES OF PHOBOS. 'Twas he, it appears, who hurled that grenade. Thorbast is busily engaged, strapping a beautiful, helpless young lady/man to the hull of the small passenger spaceship. Your move. Attack Thorbast with your sword. For awhile, Thorbast will parry your thrusts, and it will be nip and tuck whether you get by this episode or not. While you're fighting for your dear life, you notice a perfectly dreadful bug-eyed monster, oozing its way toward Thorbast's helpless victim. The hideous monster reaches the woman/man and starts to remove her/his garments, one at a time. The helpless victim shrieks in terror. Meanwhile, you keep attacking Thorbast. Eventually, in the furor of the action, he drops his sword. Ever the gallant, you retrieve the sword and give it back to your foe. Realizing you are truly the good guy, Thorbast knows now that he doesn't have a chance. So he saves us all a lot of trouble and impales himself upon his own sword. Farewell, Thorbast. Now it's the monster's turn. Interestingly enough, the bug-eyed horror is getting down to the interesting part when you attack. He squawks once and flees, leaving his victim just barely clad and grateful that you happened along. You release her/him and follow her/him into the cabin of the small spaceship. From the wall of the ship she/he plucks a photo and gives it to you. (It just happens to be a picture of Jean Harlow/Douglas Fairbanks, the very thing you've been looking for.) You are told that, written on the back, is the address of daddy, who will reward you handsomely if you ever visit Ganymede. With that, the lady/man exits to the east, closing the door with a flourish. Naturally, you follow. Shocked to see you, the lady/man is nonetheless receptive to your advances. What follows is another one of those boring orgy type events which we'd just better skip for now. After all, we still have to deal with those Leather Goddesses before they launch their invasion fleet and all is lost. We have all the items Trent/Tiffany wanted. But golly! When last we saw Trent/Tiffany, he/she was splattered all over the hold of that LGOP battleship! Exit the small passenger spaceship and go south twice. You will be back inside the LGOP battle cruiser. Walk (do not ride the stallion) east down the long east-west corridor. Well, I'll be a Thorbast's Thorax! Here's Trent/Tiffany, following along behind, explaining how he/she got here! Keep walking until you reach the black circle. Stand on the circle. You are back in the Oasis. This time, though, don't use the exit here. Instead, drop your own Exit. Stand on that. You are in a boudoir, lying on a divan. Next to you, actually, is a figure you can barely make out in the shadows. You can't see who it is, but the heavy scent of leather is unmistakable. Go ahead. Touch the goddess. Oh, go on! Yipes! You have violated the sanctity of the LEATHER GODDESSES OF PHOBOS private boudoir! For this transgression, you are summarily ejected through a trap door, down a long chute into the Plaza. What follows is a hilarious description of the attack upon you and Trent/Tiffany by the entire armed minions of the LEATHER GODDESSES OF PHOBOS. It's worth the price of the game. While the attack goes on, all that remains is for you to hand to Trent/Tiffany each of the items you have procured at such great peril, one by one as you are instructed. Suffice to say, Trent/Tiffany puts them to good use, constructing the best doggoned Super-Duper Anti-LEATHER GODDESSES OF PHOBOS Attack Machine ever crafted on this or any other planet by a faithful companion. Suffice also to say that the machine works and the minions of the LEATHER GODDESSES OF PHOBOS are routed. As for you, you're back in Upper Sandusky, Ohio, lying dazed in the roadside near a sleepy-looking gas station. From within emerge three uniformed attendants, cooing prettily (or booming manfully), "Are you all right?" The game has ended, and all you can do now is await patiently for the sequel. Coming soon from those smahties at Infocom: Gas Pump Girls Meet the Pulsating Inconvenience from Planet X. @~Leather Goddesses II should be out (on the PC only) by the time @~you read this.