Chronicles of the Sword - Part 1

                As told by Arnie Bludengutz

     Instead of penning the usual go north, kill dragon, go
     east solution I thought I'd have a bit of fun at
     Zeke's expense.  For all of you that don't know Zeke,
     he is Sue's nom de plume as mine is Arnie. So to set
     the scene, one evening Arnie and Zeke were relaxing
     after a hard day at the training grounds when an
     advert in the local rag caught Arnie's eye (it
     couldn't be Zeke because he errs on the side of
     illiteracy).  The advert shouted HELP WANTED, a knight
     is required to aid the wizard Merlin, must be brave,
     noble pure of heart and intelligent, also cunning
     streetwise and not afraid of dragons, fairies and
     vampires. Great reward offered. Apply King Arthur
     Camelot Castle.

Sounds just up my street, said Arnie. Pooh, said Zeke, you
wouldn't know streetwise if it jumped up and bit you in the bum.
True enough, thought Arnie then a blinding thought came to mind.
Why don't we both go and offer our joint services? So sure enough
the pair trotted off to Camelot.

After much waiting about the pair were ushered in to Merlin's
chambers where the wizard explained the task ahead. Arthur needs
to be rid of the evil Queen Morgana and it won't be easy. The
required characteristics advertised were only a start and I am
afraid that while you, Arnie, have all the good points, Zeke there
has all the lowlife experience to carry out the task, and since I
can only send one man on the job due to cutbacks I am afraid
neither of you can go. Unlesssss maybe wait a minute where did I
put it? Here it is, the Acme Do It Yourself Good Knight kit. I
found it in Guinivere's chamber one day. All we need to do is put
you each in separate compartments, press the switch and hey presto
a new Knight formed from the composite parts. Are you willing to
merge yourselves and be called Gawain. Why Gawain? Zeke said,
Because there can be only one and it is in the script, said
Merlin.  Anyway don't worry you will still retain your own
identities within the new body but the king will not know there
are two of you. Are you up for it or not?. I am not sure that I
want to be that close to Zeke after the things I heard about him
at the last Adventurers' bash, said Arnie. Zeke blushed and
insisted it was all lies spread by that little hussy Attilla the
Honey.  However the pair decided it was worth a shot and soon
there was only one GAWAIN the Brave made up from Arnie Bludengutz
and Zeke the Stupid.

PART ONE Inside Camelot. (narrated in the first person by Gawain)

At last the moment I had dreamed of all my life was upon me, with
Lancelot's sponsorship I was about to be enrolled in Arthur's
Knights of the Round Table. Whilst the ceremony was being carried
out, dark deeds were done beneath the castle by the evil Queen
Morgana. No sooner was the ceremony over than Lancelot informed me
that the wizard Merlin commanded my presence without delay. He
also informed me that the wizard was not a man to cross and should
listen and obey without question to any instructions given me.
Being new to this game I bimbled around the castle to familiarise
myself with the layout and spoke to everyone I met. In the process
I managed to acquire a few objects such as a lit candle, a lantern
and a tankard that some Knight had carelessly dropped under the
round table. Wilf the stable lad was only too happy to part with
his manure bucket and a spoon like device, although he did say on
your head be it. A rather strange quote, thought Arnie.

I soon found the old tower in the courtyard where Merlin was
reputed to hang out and entered the tower. There was a strong
portcullis in front of me and some stairs up. Heeding Lancelot's
warning I ignored the gate for now and climbed the stairs again
and again and again. After a short rest to regain my breath I
thought that the eyes on the bas relief were following me however
for the life of me I could not think of a way up the stairs. Poke
it in the eye with a sharp stick, said Zeke. No way, said Arnie,
it is a beautiful work of art and anyway we don't have a sharp
stick.  Before I could say more, Zeke drew the sword and stabbed
the seahorse in the eye. Lo and behold the stairs rotated and
before me stood a door.  Easy ain't it, said the smug little git.

Upon opening the door Merlin stood there looking all broody and
Welsh like. It transpired that my task was to deliver an
indictment on Morgana personally and not give it to anyone else.
Wot's an indictment? asked Zeke. Like a summons, replied Arnie. Oh
you mean she hasn't paid her Poll tax, he chortled.  Enough,
thundered Merlin, get on with it. I quickly left the room and went
in search of Morgana.

Morgana's rooms were on the east side of the courtyard but getting
past the less than sober steward guarding the door was a problem.
The solution seemed to be getting him a drink but as it was only
just past four in the morning where was I going to find ale at
that time. Leave it to me, says Zeke I know a thing or two about
getting drinks after hours. After questioning the gate guard and
Wilf it transpired that the blacksmith brewed his own ale, so off
I went to the smithy.  Indeed the smith was only too willing to
part with ale and after much searching of the many barrels I found
the home brew.  Filling the tankard I gave it to the steward who

instantly became Scottish and vowed that I was his bested ever
pal.

I enter Morgana's chambers and amidst all the seething sulphur air
was surprised to find Arthur blocking my passage. (Quiet Zeke)
Arthur appeared troubled and demanded I give him the indictment
which he would deliver. I explained that Merlin commanded me to
serve it only to Morgana and stepped past my King. A further
obstacle blocked the way in the form of an enormous guard dog.
Discretion being the better part of valour I retreated to Merlin's
room. Good move, said Zeke. Upon reporting my failure Merlin
advised that what I could not see could not hurt me. This would
seem to indicate some sort of blindfold or object placed upon my
head to prevent my seeing the creature. Well before Arnie could
say no Zeke remembered the words that Wilf the stable lad had said
when we took his bucket. It did not work but did serve to keep
Zeke quiet for a few hours. With superior reasoning Arnie directed
me to the smithy where he had spotted an unfinished helmet. The
smith was willing to part with it but demanded payment. Not

possessing anything of value I decided to explore beyond the
portcullis gate.

By dint of pushing the torch I managed to lift the gate and by
combining the candle and the lantern I soon had enough light to
walk forward through the gloom. On entering the room I noticed
something in the water and fished out a skull which had rubies for
eyes, also some mushrooms which Zeke insisted I pick purely for
medicinal purposes only. Walking through to the next room a grim
sight faced me, a sacrificial altar complete with cup and dagger.
The slab was covered in dried blood as was the cup. Some steps
faced me and after climbing them to my surprise I found myself in
the castle chapel. Zeke felt uncomfortable in such sanctified
surroundings so as soon as Arnie had said his daily prayer I left
the chapel via the door. Passing an enormous cross I made my way
to the smithy and gouged the rubies from the skull with Wilf's
spoon. The blacksmith was happy to accept the rubies in exchange
for the helmet and I returned to Morgana's chamber. This time by
wearing the helmet I found myself face to face with the evil one.
I could not help but notice that evil or not she was very
beautiful and suggested a knight out sometime. It became apparent
that she would not accept my advances and by pretending that the
scroll was a present from Merlin I tricked her into accepting it.
No sooner had this been done than a trial was formed and Morgana
was banished from Camelot although not without uttering a threat
that brought a knock to my manly knees. Later there was a very
nasty incident which involved a comely handmaiden and a
blanket-quiet Zeke.

Arthur then totally lost it and ordered that Morgana be found and
executed. This I felt was a little over the top as she was after
all his sister, Whatever happened to brotherly love.  Incest is
only kin deep, sniggered Zeke. No prizes for guessing which mug
got the job.

Merlin required three items to make me a ring of protection,
someone's offer of a tube of Colgate was summarily dismissed. The
first was a cup of water from Guinivere's well, the second the
eggshell of a dragon and the third a nugget of faerie gold. After
questioning everyone in the castle about the well including
Lancelot who seemed to be a little on edge I left the castle and
ventured into the woods. Finding the wellhouse was easy but
gaining access was not, the door was sealed and no amount of brute
force by himself was going to open the door. On my explorations I
found the dragon cave and a rock but was unable to pass inside the
cave. With failure in my heart I sought out the wizard who to my
surprise did not scream and shout but mentioned that dragons'
blood was the only substance that would open the door. In fact he
said that the evil one used it sometimes. So back I went to
Morgana's chamber. The steward returned the tankard and I soon
found a golden bottle of dragon blood on the table.

By this time a thought had crossed my mind - what use were all
these item I was carrying round with me? Merlin identified the
sacrificial cup as being made of faerie gold. I left the castle
again and used the blood on the wellhouse door. Inside the water
flowed and during my search I uncovered an old horn in the dirt.
The water seemed pure but there was an evil presence somewhere.
Shrugging off the bad feeling I went to fill the tankard with
water when a loud scream pierced the air and a skeletal warrior
rose quickly from beneath the water.  Talk about pass the brown
trousers. A skeletal warrior is no match for a Knight of Camelot
and I soon sent him back to the depths. Quickly I returned the
tankard of water to Merlin and went in search of the dragon.

Something that I believe Arthur said about the female dragon
yearning for the sound of her mate's voice came to mind and I blew
upon the horn. Sure enough the dragon lumbered from the cave
allowing me access. Inside the cave it was hot and fetid, the area
was strewn with human bones and also a dragon egg. Clutching the
egg I returned to Merlin. Uhho went a little voice from within and
not without cause. Merlin flew into a rage and threatened that I
would come home to a real fire if I ever bought a holiday cottage
in Wales. That's nice, thought Zeke. It was obvious even to the
more intellectually challenged in the party that this was not the
eggshell required so back to the cave I went. This time I explored
further and discovered the dragon nest complete with egg. However
the egg was too hot to handle and whilst I was pondering the
problem Zeke grabbed the helmet and dashed off to the waterfall
and returned with it full of icy cold water. He poured it on the
egg which did indeed cool it down and he lifted it and returned us
to Merlin. If I told you that life with Zeke is no bed of roses
that would be an understatement.  Merlin flew into a great fury
and with a wave of his hand it all went black. Fortunately Arnie
the Prudent had access to a higher authority due to his daily
devotions and we were returned to the cave. This time Arnie filled
the helmet with hot sand and poured it over the egg, the egg
hatched and the baby dragon left the nest leaving behind the
eggshell and a stick.

Merlin was more accommodating this time and bade us seek out the
fairy gold. Stand back chaps, said Zeke, this is my sort of job
and led us to the ring of mushrooms in the woods.  Well they could
be toadstools for all I know. Plucking the fungus seemed to call
up the fairies. Well let me tell you I have met a few Fairies in
my time but GREEN, musclebound and horny, I mean with horns - well
fan my brow with a sweaty kipper. Anyway Zeke seemed quite at home
and soon negotiated the exchange of the sacrificial cup for a
nugget of gold. The conversation seemed to take a long time and
addresses and phone numbers were exchanged but we soon returned
with our prize. Merlin was delighted and entertained me with his
Tommy Cooper impressions and soon produced the Ring.

After a few days rest Hellie the handmaid was fit to travel and
was ordered to lead me to Lyonesse the stronghold of Morgana. Wilf
provided us with horses and even a stale loaf of bread to sustain
us on our travels.

@~To Be Continued - next issue!










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