Chronicles of the Sword - Part Deux

                As told by Arnie Bludengutz

@~Continued from last issue

After a few days Hellie became very ill, I suspected Morgana's
hand in this but I had to find help. Eventually I stumbled upon
the Hermitage inhabited by an old crone named Demdike. It
transpires that she taught Merlin all he knew about magic and all
this time I thought it was Paul Daniels. In return for aiding poor
Hellie she ordered me to return a granite bowl that Merlin had
borrowed many years ago. So I returned to Camelot and asked the
wizard about the bowl, alas he no longer had it but assured me
that it was somewhere in the castle.  Eventually I tracked it to
Queen Quinivere and she handed it over to me. Upon leaving the
castle I reflected that my mentor Lancelot was missing from his
post at the foot of the stairs. Perhaps the fact that rumours were
spreading throughout the castle and the fact that I had seen
lipstick on his face the last time we met had some bearing on
this. Very probably, chipped in Zeke, the last time I was caught
wearing lipstick I legged it for a few days as well.  Old Demdike
cackled and wheezed with delight when I returned her bowl and bade
me find some poppy seeds to make a poultice. I remembered back in
Camelot woods seeing some bright red flowers so I swiftly returned
and picked them.

When I returned to the Hermitage Demdike berated me for a fool,
she wanted only the seeds not the flowers. A cantankerous lot
these magicians said Arnie, and remembering Merlin's wrath over
the egg affair I went in search of a method of deflowering the
poppies so to speak.  After what seemed like days I still was no
further on when I chanced to speak with Wilf the stable lad. He
was able to provide a clue and what a clue. He had only sprinkled
the bread with poppy seeds before giving it to me. I didn't know
whether to kill him or kiss him.  The vote went against Zeke.
Using the sacrificial dagger I scraped the seed from the bread and
returned to Demdike. Joe Sugden was not at home but the witch sent
me on another quest, this time I was to go to Tintagel Castle my
Lord Arthur's old home and return with a comb of honey.  The monk
in the courtyard told me to seek out Brother Anthony the bee
keeper, but whilst I was in the castle I explored and found some
straw in the stables and a pair of bellows in the chapel.

Going down some steps to the beach I came upon a broken amphora or
jug to Zeke.  Further along the beach I found a cave and a piece
of rope, a boat in good condition was beached there but the tide
was out so I returned to the courtyard. When I showed the broken
jug to the monk he became very excited and found it contained
Ambergris a much prized ingredient for making perfume. In return
for the ambergris he gave me a jug of Tintagel mead.  Oh goody,
said Zeke now we have some grass and some booze, let's party. It's
straw,, you pillock, not grass, replied Arnie. Oh Pudding, said
Zeke. On leaving the courtyard the sound of buzzing became louder
and we soon found Brother Anthony, he advised me to smoke the
bees. Arnie got all pompous and declared in his best hoighty toity
voice, I am a Knight of Camelot and I do not smoke. This
infuriated Zeke and he finally blew his stack. I am fed up of your
goody goody sanctimonious hypocritical bleating, you pompous git.
(Actually Sue assured me that he does not know big words like that
but that is the gist of it). You have no compunction about
stealing and killing. What do you mean stealing? thundered Arnie.
Well you do subscribe to the law of W. I. N. D.  don't you?
replied Zeke.  What isn't nailed down, you nick without asking.
Point taken, said a subdued Arnie.

With honour being satisfied I returned to the honey problem.
Eventually after wetting the straw in the well and lighting it
with the lantern I soon got the honeycomb and returned to the
witch. A few days later we resumed our travels and headed for the
beach at Tintagel.  Unbeknown to anyone, dirty deeds were done at
Tintagel and on our arrival the monk would not allow us entry
until we proved who we were. It transpired that Brother Anthony
had been murdered by Morgana and the only way we could gain entry
was to tell the monk of the mission. No sooner had I spoken than
Morgana appeared in a puff of magic and promptly cast a ball of
fire at us. The ring saved me but poor Hellie was consumed in
flames and Morgana vanished. We all agreed that Hellie didn't have
a lot of luck but we must carry on. Returning to the beach this
time a fellow was sitting on a rock beside the boat. It was only
by threatening to expose him as a smuggler that he agreed to row
the boat to Lyonesse, and then only if I found him a jug of
Tintagel mead. With a "here's one I prepared earlier" routine we
were soon all at sea. I must admit Zeke was not the only one
bemoaning the loss of the mead, even Arnie was being driven to
drink by the thought of facing Morgana.

At last the smuggler landed me on the beach but to my horror he
rowed off again leaving me stranded. All I could do was explore. A
beautiful scallop shell lay on the sand so I picked it up in case
it would turn out useful later.  The cliffs were sheer and offered
no way up so going east was the only option.  Just as I was
examining the cliff the biggest snake I had ever seen in my life
slithered down the rock face and menacingly swayed just out of
reach. With no other way off the beach presenting itself I got as
close to the snake as I dared and drew my sword, drew three deep
breaths and charged. To my surprise I easily lopped off the
snake's head, maybe I had chosen the EASY option. When I climbed
up the body I found myself atop the cliffs looking at the
remaining coil of the snake which had wrapped itself round a rock.
With a swish of my sword I cut off its horny bit.  Cries of "oohh"
came from somewhere until I explained that it was only the rattle.
Now I set off to find the stronghold but after many fruitless
hours I could find nothing.  Zeke came to the rescue when he
spotted another fairy ring.  Going through the same routine as
before I entered the ring and spoke with the big fairy. This time
the price of finding the stronghold was parting with the ring of
protection which had been fashioned with a nugget of fairy gold.
Unwillingly this was done and a shining silver road appeared to
the west.

I followed this road and stopped in sheer horror, nothing could
have prepared me for the gruesome sight that lay beyond. The road
stretched into the distance as far as the eye could see and was
lined with poles topped by human skulls. I followed the road and
passed one pole without a skull so using the law of W. I.  N. D.
I had it away. At the end of the road swayed a rope bridge also
lined with skulls. Just as I prepared to cross it two voices in
unison roared STOP.  Why? I thought and they explained the first
law of adventuring. When you meet a rope bridge you must repair
it, that's the law.  Sure enough, on closer examination, one of
the support posts was rotten through.  Loath to blunt my blade I
dug out the post with the dragon horn and replaced it with the
pole from the road. Now the bridge was safe and I tentatively
crossed over. On the other side an enormous gate blocked further
progress and upon closer examination was locked with a rusty
padlock. I tried every item in my pack to break the lock but even
the rock from the dragon cave crumbled. What was I to do? There
was no way off the island and no way forward.

Then Arnie whispered in my ear, got any dosh mate? I need to make
a sacrifice to a very special god. He took all I had and vanished
for a short time. On his return he suggested I return across the
bridge and search by the side of the road two short journeys south
of the fairy ring. This I did and then with great difficulty
spotted a piece of rock lying in the shade of a tree. It was very
hard rock indeed and broke the padlock after a few attempts. Zeke
became very suspicious and much abuse was hurled and much violence
ensued until Arnie revealed the identity of this secret special
god.  Ok when the great oracle Sue just hasn't got a clue, call
0891 445 936 and they'll tell you what to do.  Harrumph, went Zeke
I knew you were a fake the first time I met you at the Minotaur
slaughterers' Ball. Just wait until the next Adventurers' bash and
we'll see who has all the fingers pointed at him then. Arnie
hastily promised to stop sending Zeke up and to publicly retract
all statements made about his hormonal imbalance in the Blood'n
Guts bimonthly newsletter.  Peace was eventually restored and I
moved onwards through the gate and into the castle.

Not very far away I was stopped in my tracks by the vampire lord
Ragnar and two skeletal warriors. After a brief tussle I was
knocked out from behind by a skeletal warrior and awoke in a
dungeon cell chained to the wall. Not quite the belt in the back I
was expecting, chipped in Zeke, safe in the knowledge that Arnie
would not report it.  Ragnar questioned me about my motives and
eventually by replying to the questions in the correct fashion I
was hauled in front of Morgana. She did not seem too interested in
me and after a few abusive remarks bade me farewell and cast me
into a bottomless pit. Now by sheer good luck a stone ledge was
conveniently placed to catch my speeding body and I landed with a
breathtaking thump. Now everybody knows that bottomless pits
cannot harm you as there is no bottom to land on, it only harms
you when you land on stone ledges. There was only one way out and
I followed the watery paths searching all the while for any stray
objects. After a while I found a rusty key which surely indicated
the obligatory rusty lock was not far away.  True enough there it
was, however a candle by the side was dripping tallow which
lubricated the key and opened the door. The passage led upwards
and when I emerged it was into a room where I espied my sword
lying on the floor. Some strange force prevented me from lifting
my sword and the muscle-bound fairy cackled.

To get my sword it seemed I was doomed to carry out yet another
quest, this time a very minor one . All I had to do was get
Morgana's soul which was kept in an urn somewhere. No problem for
the likes of me, I thought and trundled off to explore. The
passage on the left led to an abandoned stable and there stuck in
a spider web was one of Morgana's hairs. Pocketing this I set off
to the right and soon came upon a huge urn made from human bone.
Inside this urn was an object but I was at a loss as to how to get
it. No item in the backpack would do the trick. Arnie prayed to
his special god again and used the petrified rock on a petrified
tree to get a petrified branch. The only one of us not petrified
was Zeke who was quietly singing, dem bones dem bones dem dry
bones. There again there is a school of thought that where there
is no sense there is no feeling. Using the branch soon levered the
bones apart and I took possession of a jade urn which contained
the soul. Upon giving this to the fairy he/she/it sent me on yet
another mission, this time for some pieces of Morgana's corporeal
body. It sounds very grand that way but was in fact some hair and
nail clippings. Fingers or toes I confidently enquired, and passed
over the hair I had found earlier. Now I was able to retrieve my
sword and set forth to clip Morgana's nails. After a search of her
boudoir all I found was a hair brush, however this contained
Ragnar's hair so it was as well I found the real one.

There was no other option open to me but challenge the lurking
Ragnar to a death duel which I easily won. Searching the corpse I
found a locket and by using the dagger opened it to find nail
clippings. Strange things people carry around with them said Zeke.
Not really, said Gawain getting in on the act, I am carrying you.
Slightly miffed, Zeke went quiet.  As soon as I handed over the
locket to the fairy a piercing scream rent the corridors, it would
seem that Morgana had found Ragnar's body. However bearing in mind
that Ragnar was a vampire and was undead the consensus of opinion
was I had better find something to kill him off for ever. It did
not take long and at the bottom of a suspended cage in the torture
room I found a small vial of Holy Water.  This did not do Ragnar's
features any good and he vanished in a cloud of disintegrating
flesh.  Events then overtook me and after another threat from a
more subdued Morgana I found myself back at Camelot being kitted
out in a suit of armour. It was reassuring to see Wilf scratching
his privates again.  Arnie and Zeke went their own ways and Gawain
remained a more experienced and trusty knight.

THE END

What do you mean, what about the reward? Oh yes, well, Gawain
claimed it all back as Arnie had borrowed all the loot to pray to
his god. However Merlin was more sympathetic and when he
unscrambled the pair of adventurers Arnie got a bit of Zeke and
vice versa so the hormone balance of the world was equalised and
the last I heard of Zeke was after a brief rest in his padded cell
at Warwick Road he was planning an 18-30 holiday to Majorca. Arnie
was debating between a weekend break in Amsterdam or returning to
the land of Havec in the Xeen system where he has unfinished
business.












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