Discworld Quotes - Part 3

                   Taken from the Internet

@~Continued from Issue 46

Eric
----

No enemies had ever taken Ankh-Morpork. Well technically they had,
quite often; the city welcomed free- spending barbarian invaders,
but somehow the puzzled raiders found, after a few days, that they
didn't own their horses any more, and within a couple of months
they were just another minority group with its own graffiti and
food shops.

Rincewind had been told that death was just like going into another
room. The difference is, when you shout, "Where's my clean socks?",
no-one answers.

The Tezumen had realised long ago that everything was steadily
getting worse and, having a terrible little- mindedness, had
developed a complex system to keep track of how much worse each
succeeding day was.

While working his way along a wall he came to a huge door, which
artistically portrayed a group of prisoners apparently being given
a complete medical check-up*.

* From a distance it did, anyway. Close to, no.

The trouble is that things never get better, they just stay the
same, only more so.

"So we're surrounded by absolutely nothing. There's a word for it.
It's what you get when there's nothing left and everything's been
used up."
"Yes. I think it's called the bill."


The librarian was, ex officio, a member of the college council.
No-one had been able to find any rule about orang-utans being
barred, although they had surreptitiously looked very hard for one.

I HOPE WE ARE NOT GOING TO HAVE ANY OF THIS 'FOUL FIEND' BUSINESS
AGAIN.

There had been some desultory talk about putting up a statue to
Rincewind but, by the curious alchemy that tends to apply in these
sensitive issues, this quickly became a plaque, then a note on the
Roll of Honour, and finally a motion of censure for being
improperly dressed.

Any wizard bright enough to survive for five minutes was also
bright enough to realise that if there was any power in demonology,
then it lay with the demons. Using it for your own purposes would
be like trying to beat mice to death with a rattlesnake.

The gods of the Disc have never bothered much about judging the
souls of the dead, and so people only go to hell if that's where
they believe, in their deepest heart, that they deserve to go.
Which they won't do if they don't know about it. This explains why
it is so important to shoot missionaries on sight.

The consensus seemed to be that if really large numbers of men were
sent to storm the mountain, then enough might survive the rocks to
take the citadel. This is essentially the basis of all military
thinking.

The Supreme Life President of Hell wrote: "What business are we
in???" He thought for a bit, and then carefully wrote, underneath:
"We are in the damnation business!!!"

Moving Pictures
---------------

The senior wizard in a world of magic had the same prospects of
long-term employment as a pogo-stick tester in a minefield.


"Did I hear things, or can that little dog speak?" said Dibbler.
"He says he can't," said Victor.
Dibbler hesitated.  "Well," he said, "I suppose he should know."

"Could have bin worse, mister. I could have said 'miaow'."

"Worlds only harmonica-playing dog. Tuppence."

"Woof. In tones of low menace."

"I can explain it in Dog, but you only listen in Human."

"I wouldn't give it to a dog, and I am one."

"... Percy the Pup here with a cold nose, bright eyes, glossy coat
and the brains of a stunned herring."

"Well, 'scuse me. I was jus' tryin' to save the world."


"If gharstely creatures from before the Dawna Time starts wavin' at
you from under your bed, jus' you don't come complainin' to me."

The Librarian had seen many weird things in his time, but that had
to be the 57th strangest "Yes, Master. You know? They're the
thinner ones with the pale faces?  Because we're a university? They
come with the whole thing, like rats."

Of course, it is very important to be sober when you take an exam.
Many worthwhile careers in the street- cleansing, fruit-picking and
subway-guitar-playing industries have been founded on a lack of
understanding of this simple fact.

There seemed nowhere in it for him, but this wasn't a problem.
There was always room at the top.

"You pay for it before you eat it? What happens if it's dreadful?"
"That's why."


"I'm a cat person, myself," she said, vaguely.
A low-level voice said: "Yeah? Yeah? Wash in your own spit, do
you?"

Azhural raised his staff. "It's fifteen hundred miles to
Ankh-Morpork," he said. "We've got three hundred and sixty-three
elephants, fifty carts of forage, the monsoon's about to break and
we're wearing... we're wearing... sort of things, like glass, only
dark... dark glass things on our eyes..."

"I'm Vice-President of Throwing Out People Mr Dibbler Doesn't Like
the Face Of."

"It looks worse than you can imagine!"
"I can imagine some pretty bad things!"
"That's why I said worse!"

@~More next issue

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