The Bottom 11 by Bev Truter AGT games, love them or hate them? . If you've played any text adventures in the last decade or so, you're bound to have stumbled across some PD / Shareware / Freeware games from The House of AGT. The Adventure Game Toolkit was developed by Dave Malmberg way back in the early eighties, and although it's now been superceded in popularity by the newer authoring systems such as TADS or Inform, it *is* possible to write a decent text adventure with AGT (see my article next issue). But many AGT games are merely mediocre - not too bad, not too marvellous either, and some I have played are so incredibly horrible that I've decided to compile a list of the worst ones. Avoid these altogether, or play them just to see how truly awful a text adventure can be. I haven't included the notoriously dreadful "Space Aliens Laughed at My Cardigan" as I haven't played it, so can't give a personal opinion on it. A few other games which I'd definitely classify somewhere between `bottom of the mediocre pile' and `total rubbish' are (in no particular order of non- merit): Hotel Notell, Pyramid of Peril, Castle of the Alchemists (hello again, James), and Dragonslayer. The following list of the Worst of AGT is in reverse order - i.e. from the least awful (11) to the most dire (1), with a short story outline for each. 11) THE DETECTIVE (by Kit Carson) Roam around a boring office block trying to find a missing person. Many dull corridors, locked doors and elevators to fiddle with. [Quick! Pop-rivet my thighs to the seat before I fall off with excitement!] 10) DEADLY LABYRINTH Pass through 8 (or was it 9?) different levels, increasing your strength and hit-points after each level. I *think* you're meant to be searching the Labyrinth for a group of people to rescue, but the whole point of this mindless meandering through totally uninspiring scenery (Lost in the Desert. Middle of the Desert. Edge of the Desert. Lost in Desert. Lost in Desert) escapes me for the moment - not that it was any clearer when I originally played the game. Unfortunately, the many monsters you encounter also increase their strength and hit-points as you progress through the levels, so the entire game is a matter of random fighting and killing on your journey through incredibly boring locations. Labyrinth is as dull as ditchwater, with no memorable puzzles whatsoever and no evidence of either writing talent or excitement in gameplay. 9) MY FIRST STUPID GAME You're locked out of the loo in your grubby little flat, and are "busting to go to the toilet". There's a Red Room, Blue Room, Green Room, and can you get into the toilet before you wet your pants? [Guffaw, guffaw, isn't this *funny*?] 8) HOUSE 2 HOUSE The reverse of the above situation. You're stuck inside your toilet, and there's a "throne king monster" who won't let you out. [Ooooh, how scary!] 7) ELECTRABOT You are a partially-completed robot, and have to find and rescue the professor who made you. [Perhaps the old Prof. should find another career]. I can't recall much about this game, other than it was mercifully short and excruciatingly boring. 6) CRUISIN' THE STRIP Obviously written by yet another in the long string of pimply (American) teenagers who have just discovered AGT for the first time. You have to find your clothes which are scattered about your bedroom and get dressed, then go and find a girl to pick up! [Wow! Thrills galore, I bet!] 5) A FABLE You wander out your house in a fit of depression, through all sorts of totally disconnected and boring scenes and scenery; then return to your house in a better mood. [I was desperately hoping this character would just commit suicide and put me (and himself) out of misery]. 4) WHAT? NO LOW-ALCOHOL MINERAL WATER?? A cloud descends in your backyard and whisks you away to a bar on an alien planet. Enter a big computer. Sit at the top of the tree. Find a way down. Talk to the Elf. Walk through the exceedingly dull scenery. Game is bugged. Quit. [This game's now fixed in the sense of finishable, but who'd want to? Terrible programming, lousy spelling, and garbled plot make Mineral Water irritating to play, as well as boring]. 3) THE RIFT [The introduction to this game is the best bit, the game itself is woeful.] Leave your crashed spacecraft and find a way into the hole in the mountain. Kill a wolf, dog or monster by throwing stuff at it. Find a kitchen. Register the game if you want to play further [ha-ha HA!] or cheat and decompile the game and remove the command that prevents you playing further. [Believe me, you don't want to play any further]. 2) HAUNTED HOUSE Spend a night in the spooky old house! Try to find more than one puzzle to solve! Wot duzz the wird "plot" meen?? Read J.J's review in issue 53! [Actually, the spelling wasn't that bad, but the game was]. 1) THE DETECTIVE by Matt Barringer YES! This is it!! My all-time favourite nomination for "Worst Text Adventure in Living Memory". For a spoof of this game see "Science & Mystery Theatre presents: The Detective". With no puzzles, no coherent plot, objects that don't exist, and illogical and senseless death scenes this game is a true gem of horribleness. To end on a kinder note, the author was very young when he wrote this rubbish, so perhaps there's some excuse....But it's *still* number 1 on my "Bottom 11" list. - o -