Calls From Hell - part 1

They're bound to terrorize all tech support personnel sooner or
later -- the call from hell. These are calls from people without a
clue in their heads. They call tech support lines and refuse to
get off until the tech support staff members on the other end have
lost all remnants of their sanity. The callers invariably exhibit
both incompetence and belligerence, either of which is fully
capable of driving even the strongest to the height of frustration
or the brink of frenzied hysteria. The content of these calls is a
conglomeration of computer stupidities of every variety, glued
together with so thick a haze of idiocy, it will cause instant and
complete gray hair to anyone remotely associated. Be forewarned.

Customer: "I have just received your software, but I have these
plastic things, what are they?"
Tech Support: "Could you describe them please?"
Customer: "They are black plastic, thin, and square."
Tech Support: "Anything else?"
Customer: "They have a metal bit on one edge."
Tech Support: "Disks?"
Customer: "Well, I don't know, do I? I just brought your package.
What do I do with them?"

I see a horrible call ahead, and the customer is quite irate
already.

Tech Support: "Put the disks in the drive."
Customer: "What's a drive?"
Tech Support: "The slot in your machine that looks just the right
size for the disk."
Customer: "Which machine?"
Tech Support: "Do you have a hard drive?"
Customer: "I have two boxes. One has a picture on it."
Tech Support: "Put the first disk in, metal side first."
Customer: "Ok. It's gone in."
Tech Support: "Go to the 'start' button, then run, then type
'setup'."
Customer: "My computer isn't on. How do I turn it on?"

Tech Support: "Push the button by the drive to eject the disk, and
press the button that says 'power' on the machine without the
pictures on it."
Customer: "Ok. Done."
Tech Support: "Now put in the disk, go to start, run, and type
'setup'."
Customer: "Oh, it's all working now. Thanks, but your software
isn't very easy to use, is it?"

I had this conversation recently with a lady who swore she had
been using computers since forever.

Tech Support: "All right. Now click 'OK'."
Customer: "Click 'OK'?"
Tech Support: "Yes, click 'OK'."
Customer: "Click 'OK'?"
Tech Support: "That's right. Click 'OK'."
Customer: "So I click 'OK', right?"
Tech Support: "Right. Click 'OK'."

Pause.

Customer: "I clicked 'Cancel'."
Tech Support: "YOU CLICKED 'CANCEL'???"
Customer: "That's what I was supposed to do, right?"
Tech Support: "No, you were supposed to click 'OK'."
Customer: "I thought you said to click 'Cancel'."
Tech Support: "NO. I said to click 'OK'."
Customer: "Oh."
Tech Support: "Now we have to start over."
Customer: "Why?"
Tech Support: "Because you clicked 'Cancel'."
Customer: "Wasn't I supposed to click 'Cancel'?"
Tech Support: "No. Forget that. Let's start from the top."
Customer: "Ok."

I spent the next fifteen minutes re-constructing the carefully
crafted setup for this lady's unique computer.


Tech Support: "All right. Now, are you ready to click 'OK'?"
Customer: "Yes."
Tech Support: "Great. Now click 'OK'."

Pause.

Customer: "I clicked 'Cancel'."

And people wonder why my mouse pad has a target on it labelled
"BANG HEAD HERE."

@~More calls next issue







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