Calls From Hell - part 2
          More technical support helpline stories

Tech Support: "Ok you should now see a small dialog box on your
desktop."
Customer: "I don't see any box on my desktop."
Tech Support: "Hmmm, are you sure? It looks like a small window
with an 'OK' button in the middle of it."
Customer: "How can a window be in my desktop?"
Tech Support: "Sir, what are you looking at?"
Customer: "My desktop like you asked. There's no box on it, just
the computer. However I do have a small window at the top of my
wall, but I don't see anything that says 'ok'...."

Thinking quickly, I decided to palm the call off to one of our
younger support technicians, deciding this would be the perfect
"field trip" for him. I told the customer we would have a
technician drop by on site that afternoon to help him. The
following is what the unsuspecting young technician experienced.
The customer's house appeared to be in the middle of nowhere:
there was nothing but barren land for miles in all directions. As
he approached the house, he noticed a ring of cows, dogs,
chickens, and pigs running loose and circling the house making an
awful noise. As he approached the house, he noticed a dead, half
eaten animal near the front of the house. Later, he learned,
whenever the customer needed to feed his dogs, he would step
outside and shoot a calf. Entering the house, the young technician
noticed a very large pet door in the door. This was so the dogs
and pigs could come and go as they pleased. Inside the house was
absolute filth. Mud and grime covered the floor and the walls,
pigs lay on the couch, and dogs sat on the recliner chairs. The
stench of filth was unbearable. The customer took the technician
to the back room, where the computer had been set up. A chicken
was nesting on top of the monitor and droppings were running down
the side. It was too much. He ran, terrified out of his wits, and
never looked back. Later the tech called me from his home, where
he was still trying to wash the stench from his clothes. He hadn't
been in our ex-customer's house for even five minutes, and his
clothes were ruined.

Tech Support: "Ok sir, we'll do a file search to find it. Can you
please click on Start, then Find, then--"
Customer: "Don't talk down to me like that! I'm not an idiot -- I
know what I'm doing!"
Tech Support: "Ok sir, please Start, then Find to do a file
search."
Customer: "How do I do that?"

A former professor of mine was receiving a Javascript error when
trying to view a particular web page. In trying to determine why
he was having the trouble I asked what browser he was using.

Me: "You may have an older browser. What browser are you using?"
Him: "Well, I don't have a brand new computer, but it's not
obsolete. I have Pentium 233 with 64 of the big ones."
Me: "You mean 64 megs of RAM?"
Him: "Yeah, RAM."
Me: "Ok, but what browser are you using - Internet Explorer or
Netscape?"
Him: "I have Windows 95."
Me: "Ok, that's the operating system. What do you use to look at a
web site?"
Him: "Oh, I'm using Office 97."
Me: "Yes, but what browser When you look at a web site, what
program do you use?"
Him: "Office 97."
Me: "Office 97 isn't a browser though. When you double click on
the icon to connect to the Internet, it opens a program that lets
you look at web sites on the Internet. What program opens Internet
Explorer or Netscape?"
Him: "My computer is not obsolete. I have Pentium 233."

I never did find out what browser he uses.

Tech Support: "Hold down the F2 key."
Customer: "Where is that?"
Tech Support: "On the left side of your keyboard, above the two --
just right of the Escape key."
Customer: "Ok."
Tech Support: "So now we are in the System Setup screen?"
Customer: "No."
Tech Support: "All right. Hit your Ctrl-Alt-Delete keys. Then your
F2 key."
Customer: "Ok."
Tech Support: "Now we are in the System Setup?"
Customer: "No."
Tech Support: "Does it say, 'Loading Windows 95'?"
Customer: "No."
Tech Support: "Can you describe what is on your screen?"
Customer: "It's gray."
Tech Support: "Just gray It does not say anything?"
Customer: "No. Just gray...with blue and white."
Tech Support: "Are there letters on your screen?"
Customer: "Yes."

Aargh.

Tech Support: "Read them to me."
Customer: "C-o-p-y-r-i--"

Tech Support: "Do they form words? Do the words form phrases?
Do the phrases form sentences?"
Customer: "I suppose."

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