Calls From Hell - part 3 More technical support helpline stories Customer: "I'll have you know, I've never even seen a computer before yesterday." Great. Great start to a call. He wanted to install the Internet connection software we have, so I had him insert the CD. "It ain't workin'!" was all I heard for about two minutes of trying the drive and checking to see if it was really there. Tech Support: "Sir, could you eject your CD for a moment? We need to check if it's scratched." Customer: "Ok." Tech Support: "Look on the bottom of the CD, and see if there are any scratches on it." Customer: "On the bottom? Shouldn't we check the top?" Tech Support: "Is the shiny side of the CD on the top?" Customer: "Of course." Tech Support: "Ok, could you flip it over so the shiny side is down and then insert it into the drive?" Customer: "Won't it scratch if I put it in like that?" Tech Support: "No, it won't scratch." Customer: "Well, ok...." He inserted the CD in the drive correctly, and then his computer froze. Customer: "My computer froze! I told you it would scratch the CD!" Tech Support: "I'm sure that's not the problem--" Customer: "I can't believe you scratched the CD." Tech Support: "Ok, sir, could you hold down 'ctrl' and 'alt', and then-- (clunking sounds) Hello? Hello, sir?" There was no one on the line for a moment. Then he spoke up again. Customer: "I've been holding 'ctrl' and 'alt' for the past two minutes, and nothing is happening at all on my whole damn computer, because you made me scratch the software." ------------------------------------------------------------------ Customer: "My program doesn't work." Tech Support: "Which program are you using?" Customer: "The one I use to get my work done." Tech Support: "Ma'am, we support many different programs, what's the name of the program you use?" Customer: "I don't know; it's the one that comes up when I start my computer." Tech Support: "Can you tell me what you see on the screen after you start your computer?" Customer: "No, I can't get the program to come up so I can't tell you what's on the screen." Tech Support: "Is your computer on?" Customer: "Of course it's on! I know how to turn on my computer!" Tech Support: "What kind of computer do you have? Is it a PC, a Macintosh, an Xterminal, or a VT420?" Customer: "I don't know. You're the help desk -- you're supposed to know that." Tech Support: "Uh. Have you tried rebooting your machine?" Customer: (angrily) "I just told you I can't get the program to run. What kind of help desk is this? I don't think you're very helpful, and I'll have you know that I personally know one of the programmers, and I'm going to call her since I know she'll be able to help me!" ------------------------------------------------------------------ This woman calls in, having a problem with her video card. Her initial rundown on the situation seems like she would know what she was talking about. But no. Customer: "So when I go to boot my computer, it just does nothing." Tech Support: "It just does nothing? So, when you turn on your computer you just get a blank screen?" Customer: "Oh no, It comes up and counts my memory, detects hard drives, etc." Tech Support: "Ok, then what happens?" Customer: "It doesn't do nothing." Tech Support: "It doesn't do nothing? I am not sure I understand. Does it lock up at this point?" Customer: "Oh no, after that I get the screen with the clouds that says 'Windows' on it." Tech Support: "Ok, so you turn it on, it starts to boot up, then it goes to the splash screen with the clouds, and this is where you are having problems? What happens here?" Customer: "It doesn't do nothing." Tech Support: "Ok, so can you even get in to Windows? Will the system boot to your desktop?" Customer: "Oh yes." Tech Support: "All right, so, you turn on your system, it counts your RAM, detects your drives, loads the splash screen, boots into Windows, and then what?" Customer: "Nothing." Tech Support: "So what is the problem?" Customer: "The computer doesn't do nothing." Tech Support: "Ok, I need you to be a little more specific here because that so far, this is quite normal." Customer: "Oh yeah, all that stuff is normal." Tech Support: "So again, what is the problem anyway?" Customer: "My desktop is all washed out looking." ------------------------------------------------------------------ I sent a JPEG from my recent vacation to my mother as an email attachment. I then telephoned her to see if she was able to view it. After attempting to get her to use the 'File/Open' command in Netscape, I realized that my 'Open' dialog was different from hers, and so I couldn't talk her through it. But I tried to determine which OS she was running. Me: "Do you know what operating system you're running? Is it Windows 95 or Windows 3.1?" My Mother: "I don't know, but it must be Windows 95." Me: "Ok, do you see a 'My Computer' icon on your screen?" My Mother: "'My Computer'? What's that?" Me: "It's a picture of a computer with the words 'My Computer' underneath it." My Mother: "I don't have that." Me: "It would be on the desktop." My Mother: (getting irate) "I don't know what you're talking about." Me: "Mom, tell me what you see when you turn your computer on." My Mother: "Nothing." Me: "You don't see anything? No words appear on the screen? Nothing? Well, what do you see on your screen right now?" My Mother: "I don't see anything." Me: (getting frustrated) "You're staring at a black screen? There's nothing there at all?" My Mother: "I'm not technical. I don't know these things." Me: "I just want you to describe what you see." My Mother: "I don't see anything. I just get on here and clickity- click." Me: "I gotta go, Mom." - o -