Calls From Hell - part 4 More technical support helpline stories Husband: "Hi. I'm having a problem connecting to the Internet." Tech Support: "Ok sir, what operating system are you using?" Husband: "Oh...I'm really not sure...I'm not the computer expert. My wife is. She's sitting at the computer. I'm going to dictate this to her." (pause) "She says we use Windows 95." Tech Support: "Ok. What exactly is the problem?" Husband: "I can't connect." Wife: (in the background) "We can't even get on -- the software is buggy!" Tech Support: "Ok, what happens when you try to connect?" Husband: "Ok, the Connect To: screen pops up, and it asks for my password." Tech Support: "Did you put your password in?" Husband: "Yes, and it keeps asking for it afterwards." Tech Support: "Do you have your caps lock key on?" Husband: "Yes, but that shouldn't make any difference." Tech Support: "Uhm...go ahead and hit the caps lock key until the light goes away." Husband: "Are you sure? We've always got on with the caps lock key on." Tech Support: "Yes, I'm sure." Husband: "Oh, ok. It took my password." Wife: (in the background) "I told you!" (They start arguing. She takes the phone from him.) "HELLO?" Tech Support: "Yes, hello, you should be all set from here." Wife: "YES HI, I'VE BEEN USING YOUR DAMN SOFTWARE FOR I DON'T EVEN KNOW HOW LONG, AND I STILL CAN'T GET EMAIL FROM MY SON IN THE NAVY!" Tech Support: "What program do you use for email, ma'am?" Wife: "I use Windows 95! We already told you that!" Husband: (in the background) "We already told her that, didn't we?" Tech Support: "No, what mail application...such as Eudora, Netscape, Internet Explorer..." Wife: "Microsoft Netscape." Tech Support: "Netscape?" Wife: "Yes, Microsoft Netscape." Tech Support: "Ok, open that up and go to Options, and then Mail and News Preferences--" Wife: "No, I want email! I don't want to surf the net!" Tech Support: "Netscape comes with an email program, and we're going to set it up now." Wife: "Ugh. Fine. Whatever. We'll do it YOUR way." Tech Support: "Ok." (explains how to set up popmail) Wife: "I'm not getting mail." Tech Support: "Do you have two phone lines?" Suddenly I hear the modem attempting to dial in. Tech Support: (over the roar of the modem) "MA'AM? YOU ONLY HAVE ONE PHONE LINE. DON'T TRY TO DIAL IN." (beep click click) Tech Support: "You can't dial up with this line. It's already in use." Wife: "I was always able to use it before YOU changed my settings!" Tech Support: "No, you will just have to disconn--" Wife: "You tech support people always mess up my settings, and then I have to bring my computer back to [retailer] to get it fixed! You know, you cost me so much money!" Tech Support: "Ma'am, I didn't change any of your Internet settings." Wife: "Yes you did, we just went through a NUMBER of things." Tech Support: "All we did was--" Wife: "I've had ENOUGH of your service. I'm going back to AOL." (click) ------------------------------------------------------------------ Tech Support: "So the mouse won't move?" Customer: "No." Tech Support: "Does the numlock or capslock work?" Customer: "No." Tech Support: "Ok, you'll need to hit the reset button." Customer: "Ok." Tech Support: "Is the system booting back up yet?" Customer: "Ummm..." (pause) Tech Support: "Is it rebooting?" Customer: "I see a return button. Is that the one you want?" Tech Support: "No, the reset button. It's on the front of the computer. You're looking at the keyboard." Customer: "Oh, umm...there's just one button, and it says 'power'." Tech Support: "That's the monitor. The computer is that box that all those things plug into." Customer: "Umm...ohh! I see it now -- how silly of me. Ok, I pressed it." Tech Support: "Is the system rebooting now?" Customer: "No, it's still locked up." Tech Support: "You're sure you pressed the button marked 'reset'?" Customer: "Yes, it's right here next to the one labelled 'Form Feed'." Tech Support: "Ma'am, that's the printer." Customer: "Maybe you just need to come here and fix it." Tech Support: "Ma'am, do you use any floppy disks?" Customer: "Yes, I save all my letters on them." Tech Support: "The computer is the thing you stick the disks into." Customer: "OHHH!!!! It's under the desk...hang on. Well! Look at that; there's a reset button. I pressed it, now my computer is acting like I just turned it on." Tech Support: "Ok, good." Customer: "Wait, what's this button that says 'Turbo'?" Tech Support: "That's there so you can slow the system down to run older software and games." Customer: "Is that why my system is so slow?" Tech Support: "Is the yellow light on?" Customer: "No." Tech Support: "Press that button." Customer: "WOW!!!" Tech Support: "What?" Customer: "My report didn't freeze up this time." That turned out to be the cause of her system locking up. It wasn't really locking up, it was just going so slow it seemed that way, and she never waited long enough for it to finish processing her reports. ------------------------------------------------------------------ Customer: "When I dial your service, the system asks me some questions and then it kicks me off." Tech Support: "What were the questions that it asked you?" Customer: "I don't remember." Tech Support: "Well, sir, if you don't remember what they were, I don't know what the problem is and I can't help you." Customer: "So I need to call you and go through this again after seeing the questions again?" Tech Support: "Yes." Customer: "Can't I just keep you on while I call?" Tech Support: "Is your modem on another line?" Customer: "No, same line." Tech Support: "Well, sir, you can't do it...it's like someone picking up the phone now and dialing while we are talking." Customer: "Can I at least try?" He tried. Twice. Ugh. @~More next issue - o -