New Computer Viruses

Hot off the press come these new U.S. computer viruses to watch
out for. If you don't get all of the references, don't worry, some
of the humour is specific to inhabitants of the U.S.

BOBBIT VIRUS: Removes a vital part of your hard disk then re-
attaches it. (But that part will never work again.)

OPRAH WINFREY VIRUS: Your 200MB hard drive suddenly shrinks to
80MB, and then slowly expands back to 200MB.

AT&T VIRUS: Every three minutes it tells you what great service
you are getting.

MCI VIRUS: Every three minutes it reminds you that you're paying
too much for the AT&T virus.

POLITICALLY CORRECT VIRUS: Never calls itself a "virus," but
instead refers to itself as an "electronic microorganism."

PAUL REVERE VIRUS: This revolutionary virus does not horse around.
It warns you of impending hard disk attack -- once if by LAN,
twice if by C:\

RIGHT TO LIFE VIRUS: Won't allow you to delete a file, regardless
of how old it is. If you attempt to erase a file, it requires you
to first see a counselor about possible alternatives.

ROSS PEROT VIRUS: Activates every component in your system, just
before the whole damn thing quits.

MARIO CUOMO VIRUS: It would be a great virus, but it refuses to
run.

TED TURNER VIRUS: Colorizes your monochrome monitor.

ARNOLD SCHWARZENEGGER VIRUS: Terminates and stays resident. It'll
be back.

GOVERNMENT ECONOMIST VIRUS: Nothing works, but all your diagnostic
software says everything is fine.

NEW WORLD ORDER VIRUS: Probably harmless, but it makes a lot of
people really mad just thinking about it.

FEDERAL BUREAUCRAT VIRUS: Divides your hard disk into hundreds of
little units, each of which does practically nothing, but all of
which claim to be the most important part of your computer.

GALLUP VIRUS: Sixty percent of the PCs infected will lose 38
percent of their data 14 percent of the time (plus or minus a 3.5
percent margin of error).

TEXAS VIRUS: Makes sure that it's bigger than any other file.

ADAM AND EVE VIRUS: Takes a couple of bytes out of your Apple.

FREUDIAN VIRUS: Your computer becomes obsessed with marrying its
own motherboard.

CONGRESSIONAL VIRUS #1: The computer locks up, screens splits
erratically with a message appearing on each half blaming the
other side for the problem.

CONGRESSIONAL VIRUS #2: Runs every program on the hard drive
simultaneously but doesn't allow the user to accomplish anything.

AIRLINE VIRUS: You're in Dallas, but your data is in Singapore.

PBS VIRUS: Your computer stops every few minutes to ask for money.

ELVIS VIRUS: Your computer gets fat, slow and lazy, then self-
destructs -- only to resurface at shopping malls and service
stations across rural America.

OLLIE NORTH VIRUS: Causes your printer to become a paper shredder.

SEARS VIRUS: Your data won't appear unless you buy new cables,
power supply and a set of shocks.

JIMMY HOFFA VIRUS: Your programs can never be found again.

IMELDA MARCOS VIRUS: Sings you a song (slightly off key) on
boot-up, then subtracts money from your Quicken account and spends
it all on expensive shoes it purchases through America Online.

STAR TREK VIRUS: Invades your system in places where no virus has
gone before.

HEALTH CARE VIRUS: Tests your system for a day, finds nothing
wrong and sends you a bill for $4,500.

GEORGE BUSH VIRUS: It starts by boldly stating, "Read my docs ...
no new files!" on the screen. It proceeds to fill up all the free
space on your hard drive with new files, then blames it on the
Congressional Virus.

NEW YORK JETS VIRUS: Makes your Pentium/120 machine perform like a
286/AT.

LAPD VIRUS: It claims it feels threatened by the other files on
your PC and erases them in "self-defense."

CHICAGO CUBS VIRUS: Your PC makes frequent mistakes and comes in
last in the reviews, but you still love it.

ORAL ROBERTS VIRUS: Claims that if you don't send it a million
dollars, its programmer will take it back.

O.J. VIRUS: It claims that it did not, could not and would not
delete two of your files and vows to find the virus that did it.







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