B....ware

The computer industry is notorious for coining words and phrases
that mean absolutely nothing to anyone sensible enough to avoid
the digital beasts. With the proliferation, over the last 5 to 10
years, of words ending in 'ware' we thought it was about time
someone compiled a glossary of such words in order to make them
more easily understood. Here, therefore, is a list of such words
in common usage:

Hardware     The parts of a computer system that can be kicked.
Software     The part of a computer system that you can't see, but
             without which you are the proud owner of a $3000
             paperweight.
Firmware     Software encoded in Hardware - generally used to
             increase the apparent usefulness of the paperweight.
Bloatware    Software which contributes greatly to the inadequacy
             of your new hard drive which was, three months ago,
             the largest on the market.

Fatware      Software containing every function and feature ever
             known to man except for the one you actually want to
             use. The largest set of handbooks behaves in much the
             same way.
Shareware    Software containing most of the features you want,
             none of the features you don't, and the one feature
             that your Fatware application, costing 10 times as
             much, doesn't have.
Freeware     Same as Shareware only infinitely cheaper - ie. it
             doesn't cost you anything.
Glueware     A small piece of Software which sits between two
             other applications providing a level of communication
             which should have been included in the first place
             but wasn't - probably at the request of the Glueware
             programmer.
Middleware   A larger version of Glueware which adds a level of
             functionality, again of the type that should have
             been there in the first place.
Groupware    A piece of resource-hungry Software which,
             theoretically, allows an office to run more
             efficiently - assuming anyone can figure out how the
             hell to use it.
Netware      One of the more popular PC network operating
             systems which, until recently, was almost, but not
             quite, completely incompatible with any other
             standard networking protocol.
Vapourware   A notorious type of Software which promises to do
             everything you could ever want but mysteriously
             disappears before making it to market.

And now for a few words that are not in common usage but, as
far as we are concerned, should be. :)
Gatesware    A class of Software typified by the products of a
             certain well known American Software giant. These
             applications are not necessarily the best on the
             market, but enjoy roughly universal acceptance due to
             their apparent universal acceptance. How they
             achieved this status in the first place is a complete
             mystery.

Crashware    Software which is designed to stop functioning at
             random intervals and without warning. The frequency
             of these crashes is usually proportional, roughly
             exponentially, to the urgency of the task currently
             being performed. Some Gatesware titles fall into this
             category.
Revware      Software which jumps a revision every time you turn
             your back.
Dribbleware  An annoying type of Software which is promised
             "Real Soon Now" but never seems to eventuate. When it
             finally is released you wonder if there's any point
             in getting it because the next major release is going
             to come out "Real Soon Now".  Seems to be
             particularly prevalent among Operating Systems.

Copyright * 1996 - Andrew Cooper and John Gale



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