Calls from Hell - Part 6

@~Continued from last issue

This call took more than 45 minutes, in case you wanted to
know why there are hold times on support numbers.
Customer: "I haven't had sound for about a month."
Tech Support: "What kind of speakers do you have?"
Customer: "They are stereo."
Tech Support: "Ok, do they plug into the wall?"
Customer: "No."
Tech Support: "So they are the little boxes that don't attach to
the monitor?"
Customer: [angrily] "Yes."
Tech Support: "Ok, let's see if maybe the speakers are the
problem. Do you have a music CD?"
Customer: "Yes."
Tech Support: "Would you go get it?"
Customer: "Sure." [clunk clunk clunk] "Do you want one that
came with the computer?"

Tech Support: "No, I need a music CD."
Customer: "I think 'The Animals' has music."
Tech Support: "Ok, maybe I am being unclear, I need a regular
CD not a CD-ROM -- one you buy at a music store."
Customer: "I have a Garth Brooks CD, but I bought it at a swap
meet."
Tech Support: "That's great; that CD will work."
Customer: "I go to swap meets all the time to get great deals
on stuff. We don't ever go to the music stores."
We get the CD playing with AudioStation, but there's no sound.
Tech Support: "Ok, let's check the volume."
Customer: "I already checked the damn volume when it
stopped making sound a month ago!"
Tech Support: "I understand. Let's just double check it real
quick."
The volume level turns out ok, and the sound's not muted.
Customer: "I'll just turn it all the way up.... Nope, can't hear a
damn thing."

Tech Support: "It looks like you are ok there, now let's check
those speakers."
Customer: "Ok, but you might as well replace the whole damn
thing right now."
Tech Support: "I'll be happy to replace anything that needs
replacing. I just want to make sure we get everything working for
you."
Customer: "All right."
Tech Support: "Now those speakers...they are all hooked up?
The left connects to the right and then the right connects to the
computer?"
Customer: [obviously without checking] "Yup."
Tech Support: "Ok. And they are turned on, right?"
Customer: "...Listen to me you little..."
I endure a three minute profanity/threat combo.
Customer: "...Of course they are turned on!! Now you--"
Tech Support: "Whoa, slow down a sec...I want you to turn
them to the off position, please."
Country music blares. The rest of the conversation takes place
shouting over it.
Customer: "Heck son, I don't believe it! What was the problem?"
Tech Support: "The batteries must be dead."
*

I used to work as a salesman for a computer wholesaler a
number of years ago. I got a call from a woman who was fit to
be tied. She found out that the person who sold her the
computer bought it from our company and called us to complain.
Customer: "I need help with this computer!"
Tech Support: "Well what do you need to know?"
Customer: (screaming) "Well I bought this damn computer from
this guy who says he bought it from you and he came to my
house and hooked it up. Now while he's explaining to my
daughter how to use it, she's telling him 'yeah, yeah,' she knows
what he's talking about. I'm in the kitchen cooking peppers and
onions while my daughter is going 'yeah, yeah,' then this guy
leaves, and I ask my daughter if she knows how to use the
computer, and she says she was too embarrassed to tell him
she didn't understand and just told him 'yeah, yeah.' Now I paid
over $1000 for this thing and I don't even know how to use it!"
Tech Support: "Uh, well is there anything in particular you want
to know how to do?"
I never anticipated her answer.
Customer: "I wanna make a tennis game."
Tech Support: "A what!?"
Customer: "A tennis game with the paddles."
Tech Support: "What, you mean like pong?"
Customer: "No, tennis!"
Tech Support: "You mean with graphics?"
Customer: "I wanna make a tennis game with the, you know,
rackets and the ball."
Tech Support: (in shock, I start blurting nonsense) "Well, do
you know Windows?"
Customer: "I don't know anything about computers, I was frying
sausages in the kitchen..."
She tells me the whole story again.
Tech Support: "Well, you would need to lean how to program in
a computer language like C++ and that takes many years of
experience. I'd suggest you first start slowly and learn DOS and
Windows."
After that, I spent twenty minutes talking her down from a
seething boil to a cool simmer and finally got her off the phone.
I imagine this woman aggravated the poor slob who sold her the
computer until he caved in and gave her our number. Nice guy.

*

Customer: "Look, look!!!!! Look what it's doing!!! Can you
BELIEVE this?? Why is it doing that??"
Tech Support: "Sir, I can't see your computer, what is it doing?"
Customer: "WHAT??? Can't you figure it out?? LOOK AT MY
COMPUTER SCREEN!!!!! You can see it, can't you?!"

*

This was my slowest caller ever:
Tech Support: "Thank you for calling; how may I help you?"
Customer: "Ummm...it doesn't work."
Direct and to the point, but just a touch vague. So I prodded him
for more information about his problem.
Tech Support: "What does not work?"
Customer: "Ummm...the program doesn't work."
Tech Support: "Could you please be more specific? Was there
an error message?"
Customer: "Yes."
I waited a moment, thinking that he would continue on his own.
But he didn't.
Tech Support: "And the message was?"
Customer: "Something about a GPF."
Tech Support: "Are you in front of the computer now?"
Customer: "No."
Tech Support: "Can you get in front of the computer?"
Customer: "I guess; let me get out of bed."
Shuffling. Stepping down stairs.
Tech Support: "Are you still there?"
Customer: "Yeah, I have to go downstairs and turn on the
computer."
This guy has a 386-25 with 2 megs of RAM loading Windows. It
takes about five minutes to boot up his machine.
Tech Support: "Ok, are you in Windows?"
Customer: "Uhhhh...almost...."
Pause.
Tech Support: "Ok, are you in Windows?"
Customer: "Uhhhh...almost...."
Pause.
Customer: "Ok."
Tech Support: "Ok, you are in Windows, can you get into the
program for me please?"
Customer: "How do I do that?"
Tech Support: "Just the way you normally do."
Customer: "I don't remember. It's late, and I'm tired. Step me
through it."
Tech Support: "Double click on the icon for the program
please."
Customer: "Where is that?"
I slowly drop my head to the desk. Finally, I get him to start our
application and wait three minutes for the software to load. I'm
now fifteen minutes into this call, and I normally average three
and a half.
Tech Support: "Ok, can you duplicate the problem for me?"
Customer: "Uhhhhhhhhhmmmmmmm.........no."
Tech Support: "Why not?"
Customer: "I don't remember where it happened."
Tech Support: "I'm afraid I really won't able to help unless I
know the error message and where it occurred. You will need to
recreate the message and call us back with that information."
Customer: "But I waited so long to talk to you, you people really
need to be faster if you expect people to use your service. It
takes too long to talk to you. You will lose customers unless you
speed it up."
Tech Support: "Thanks for calling, bye-bye."

*

Customer: "It was working last night, but it's not working any
longer. And I haven't changed anything."
Tech Support: "You sure you haven't changed anything?
Nobody's gone near the machine?"
Customer: "Yeah, yeah, nobody touched it."
Tech Support: "What's not working?"
Customer: "I can't get into my POP account."
Alarm bells go off in my head. The user doesn't have a POP
account.
Tech Support: "Oh. All right. Do you have the letter we sent
you with your POP account details?"
Customer: "Yeah, uh, it's...around here somewhere."
[scrabbling sounds]
Tech Support: "Ok, let's forget the POP account for a moment.
Can you tell me exactly what happened?"
Customer: "Well, I moved everything onto my new machine this
morning, and it's not working."
Tech Support: "I thought you said that you didn't change
anything???"
Customer: "But I didn't!"

*

Tech Support: "Ok, type 'cd windows.'"
Customer: "Right."
Tech Support: "What does it say?"
Customer: "It says 'see colon slash greater-than see dee
windows.'"
Tech Support: [sigh] "Press return."
Customer: "Ok, it says 'see colon slash windows slash greater-
than.'"
Tech Support: "Right, do a dir."
Customer: "Uh...how?"
Tech Support: "Type 'dir'."
Customer: "It says 'see colon slash windows slash greater-than
dir.'"
Tech Support: [adding teethmarks to the phone] "Press return!"
Customer: "Ok, it says lots of different things, and then, 'see
colon slash windows slash greater-than.' Oh, and there's always
a flashy line after the greater-than; did I mention that?"

*

A user calls from Chicago. (We are in central Illinois.) She wants
to register for classes via our online registration system. In the
course of the discussion I discover that:
She is definitely "Not A Computer Person" (tm).
She is at her friend's house, but her friend is not there.
Her friend has a computer, but she doesn't know what kind.
She has never turned it on.
She thinks it has a modem, but she is not sure.
She has never logged on to any of her university accounts.
She has never used any terminal software and doesn't know
what type her friend has.
She was deeply upset that "no one will help her." Sadly, I was
also unable to do so. I mean, what do you do?

*

I once received a call from a woman with a heavy, throaty, not-
real-educated-or-bright voice from New York. She asked if the...
Customer: "...new tape, ya know, the plasticky thingie I got in
the mail...does that work even if I don't put it in my compoota??"
Tech Support: "No, ma'am, the software does not work unless
it is installed on to your hard drive."

Customer: "But this isn't soft...this is a small hard plastic
square..."
Tech Support: "Yes, ma'am, that's called software, and you
need to insert it into the disk drive to use it."
Customer: "Look, lady, I'm not stupid -- this isn't soft -- and I
don't appreciate you making fun of me." [click]

*

Tech Support: "Now, do you see the words '[etc etc etc]'."
Customer: "Um, no."
Tech Support: "Scroll down, there should be the words '[etc etc
etc]' enclosed in brackets."
Customer: "They're not here."
Tech Support: [loading up the same file in EDIT on my
machine] "Ok, starting from the top, you'll see '[this]',
'[that]', and '[the other]'. The next section will have '[etc etc
etc]' in brackets."
Customer: "Oh, you mean '[etc etc etc]'!"
Tech Support: "Yes. Now, under that is a blank line."
Customer: "Ok."
Tech Support: "Now, move the cursor to that blank line."
Customer: "I don't understand what you mean."
I spent about ten minutes trying to navigate him to the beginning
of the blank line so that he can type in a single line of text. He
seemed to completely lack comprehension. The man
understood English, but there was something he seemed to be
failing to grasp.
Tech Support: [getting frustrated and barely keeping calm]
"Now, right below the words '[etc etc etc]' is a blank line."
Customer: "Oh! You mean the line that doesn't have anything
on it!"
Tech Support: "YES!"

*

Tech Support: "Sir, open up your System Folder and find the
Launcher Items folder."
Customer: "I don't have a Systems Folder."

My patience with such customers was wearing thin. After a short
pause:
Tech Support: "It's in your hard disk, sir. You must have one, or
else your computer wouldn't start properly."
Customer: "Hard disk, hard disk...hmmm -- is that little
rectangle in the top right?"
Tech Support: "Yes."
Customer: "Ok, but mine doesn't say 'Hard Disk.' It's just
labelled with a period. How did that happen?"
Tech Support: "Well, you can name it anything you want,
perhaps yours was named accidentally."
Customer: "Oh. What now?"
Tech Support: "Open your System Folder."
Customer: "I don't have a systems folder. Oh, oh, here it is! Ok,
ok, I'm opening the Systems Envelope now."
And after an excruciating 30 minutes of how to make an alias
and reminding him that he truly did have a System Folder (or, as
he called it, an "Envelope") and where it was, we got his new
software on the Launcher.

Ten minutes later he called me back and told me how he had
written down my directions to the "Systems Envelope" so he
could put more programs on his Launcher. One of the programs
didn't work, however, and after another 45 minutes of sheer hell,
I told him we needed to send him some new floppies.
Customer: "Hey, can you send me a dozen apples too? My
wife would like to make a pie. Ha ha! Apples. Get it?
Macintoshes? Ha ha. Don't you get it?"
If I had a button on my phone to administer electro-shock to this
man, I would have.
Tech Support: "Yes sir, I do."

@~More next issue






                              - o -