Calls from Hell - Part 7

@~Concluded from last issue

Customer: "I get garbage when I log onto IndyNet."
Tech Support: "Ok, what software are you using?"
Customer: "Internet."
Tech Support: "Yes, I know you're connecting to the Internet,
but what software do you use to make the connection?"
Customer: "Oh! Windows."
Tech Support: "Yes, but what software inside of Windows do
you use?"
Customer: "Oh! Ok, yes, I have an Acer 486-66D...."
Tech Support: "No! The software! Do you know what software is?"
Customer: "Uh, kind of."
Tech Support: "Ok. Software is the program that you run in
order to make the computer do anything, ok?"
Customer: "Ok."
Tech Support: "So what program do you run to call us?"
Customer: "ATDTxxxxxxx."

*

Tech Support: "Welch Hall computer assistant; may I help
you?"
Customer: "Yes, well, I'm having trouble with WordPerfect."
Tech Support: "What sort of trouble?"
Customer: "Well, I was just typing along, and all of a sudden
the words went away."
Tech Support: "Went away?"
Customer: "They disappeared."
Tech Support: "Hmm. So what does your screen look like
now?"
Customer: "Nothing."
Tech Support: "Nothing?"
Customer: "It's blank; it won't accept anything when I type."
Tech Support: "Are you still in WordPerfect, or did you get
out?"
Customer: "How do I tell?"
Tech Support: "Can you see the C:\> prompt on the screen?"
Customer: "What's a sea-prompt?"
Tech Support: "Never mind. Can you move the cursor around
on the screen?"
Customer: "There isn't any cursor; I told you, it won't accept
anything I type."
Tech Support: "Does your monitor have a power indicator?"
Customer: "What's a monitor?"
Tech Support: "It's the thing with the screen on it that looks like
a TV. Does it have a little light that tells you when it's on?"
Customer: "I don't know."
Tech Support: "Well, then look on the back of the monitor and
find where the power cord goes into it. Can you see that?"
(Rustling and jostling heard in the background.)
Customer: [muffled] "Yes, I think so."
Tech Support: "Great! Follow the cord to the plug and tell me if
it's plugged into the wall."
Customer: "Yes, it is."

Tech Support: "When you were behind the monitor, did you
notice that there were two cables plugged into the back of it, not
just one?"
Customer: "No."
Tech Support: "Well, there are. I need you to look back there
again and find the other cable."
(Rustle, rustle.)
Customer: [muffled] "Ok, here it is."
Tech Support: "Follow it for me and tell me if it's plugged
securely into the back of your computer."
Customer: [still muffled] "I can't reach."
Tech Support: "Uh huh. Well, can you see if it is?"
Customer: "No."
Tech Support: "Even if you maybe put your knee on something
and lean way over?"
Customer: "Oh, it's not because I don't have the right angle --
it's because it's dark in here."
Tech Support: "Dark?"
Customer: "Yes -- the office light is off, and the only light I
have is coming in from the window."
Tech Support: "Well, turn on the office light then."
Customer: "I can't."
Tech Support: "No? Why not?"
Customer: "Because there's a power outage."
Tech Support: "A p-!" [AARGH!]
This woman was good friends with my supervisor. She's now
also my wife.

*

Tech Support: "Ok, now type 'C D space backslash'."
Customer: "Um, can you repeat that?"
Tech Support: "Yes, 'C D space backslash'."
Customer: "'C P'?"
Tech Support: "No, 'C D'."
Customer: "Ok, 'C D slash backspace'."
Tech Support: "No, 'C D SPACE BACKSLASH'."
Customer: "'C D slash space backspace'."
Tech Support: "No, 'C D SPACE BACKSLASH'."
Customer: "'C D slash backspace'."
Tech Support: "'C D SPACE BACKSLASH'."
Customer: "'C D space backslash'."

*

In my previous job, we often had to contact clients in Pacific
Island nations where office technology seems to be even more
feared than usual. A relaxed attitude to time adds to the battle.
One day I had to send a fax to a number in the Cook Islands. I
called.
Me: "Hi, I'm trying to send a fax."
Person #1: "Hello."
Me: "Hello. Is this your fax number? I'm trying to send a fax to
you."
Person #1: "Hello."
It became apparent that "Hello" comprises the majority of this
person's English.
Me: "Is Mr. [name] there? Could you get him, please?"
Person #1: "Mr. [name]. OK."

He wandered off. Shouting and a leisurely background
conversation followed. Five minutes later a different person
came to the phone.
Person #2: "Hello."
Me: (resisting the urge to scream) "Hello, I'm calling from
overseas, and I'm trying to send a fax. Could you please press
your fax button?"
Person #2: "I thought you wanted Mr. [name]. He's not here."
Me: "Well, no, it doesn't matter who I talk to. Can you just press
the fax button so I can get this fax through to you?"
Person #2: "I don't know how all this works. I can leave a
message for Mr. [name] if you like."
Me: "No, you just need to press that big button on the fax
machine. Can you do that now, please?"
Person #2: "Wait, [another name] is here. She might know."
(wanders off for another ten minutes; much background
conversation) "She says the fax machine is turned off."
Me: "Well, can you turn it on please? Or should I try again
later?"

Person #2: "I think we haven't got enough power for the fax
machine right now. I'll have to start up the generator."
Me: "No, no, I'll try again tomorrow. You don't need to--"
Person #2: "It's around the back of the building. I'll be right
back." (wanders off)
I was just about to hang up when someone picked up the
phone.
Person #1: "Hello. Hello. Hello."
I hung up.

*

Tech Support: "Now we need to check the communications
driver. In Program Manager, click on File and select Run. "
Customer: "I don't have anything that says 'Run.'"
Tech Support: "What do you have at the very top of the
Window?"
Customer: "Program Manager."
Tech Support: "Good. And what is right beneath that?"
Customer: "Main, Accessories, Applications--"
Tech Support: "No, no. What do you see between the bar
where it says 'Program Manager' and those boxes?"
Customer: "Nothing."
Tech Support: "Ok, do you see that white bar underneath the
Program Manager bar?"
Customer: "Yes."
Tech Support: "Good. What's on the far left of that bar?"
Customer: "It says 'File.'"
Tech Support: "All right, click on File and select Run."
Customer: "It's asking me if I want to exit Windows. Do I click
on OK?"
Tech Support: "Click on Cancel. Now, click on File and then
click on Run."
Customer: "It brought up a box with 'Program Item' and
'Program Group' in it. Which one do you want?"
Tech Support: "Click on Cancel. Click on File and hit 'R' on the
keyboard."
Customer: "There's no 'R' in the list."
Tech Support: "On the keyboard there should be an 'R' key."
Customer: "Oh, yes."
Tech Support: "Press it."
Customer: "Now it's asking for a 'Command Line.'"
Tech Support: "Good. Type 'sysedit', s-y-s-e-d-i-t, and hit
Enter."
Customer: "I don't see Enter. Do you want me to click on
'OK'?"
Tech Support: "That'll work."
Customer: "It says it couldn't find the file."
Tech Support: "Let's try it again: S...Y...S...E...D...I...T."
Customer: "S...Y...F...E...C...I...V."
Tech Support: "No, no. Sysedit. As in system editor."
Customer: "S...Y...S...T...E...M..."
Tech Support: "No. Just sysedit. S...Y...S...E...D...I...T."
Customer: "Ok, that brought up a window with four windows
inside it."
Tech Support: "Good. Bring up the system.ini window."
Customer: "How do I do that?"
Tech Support: "Close the first window, the autoexec.bat."
Customer: "Ok."
Tech Support: "Now close the config.sys window."
Customer: "I can't. I guess I closed the wrong window. The
only window I have now is Program Manager."
Fast forward about five minutes to when Sysedit is finally up
and the system.ini is being displayed. However, the user is
unable to find the comm.drv line in 14 attempts of going down
the list line by line for the first 12 lines. The other techs have
been listening to this and are almost on the floor laughing.
Tech Support: "Ok, click on Search and select Find."
Customer: "I don't see Search."
Yep, you guessed it. Repeat the whole File->Run routine right
down to being unable to type in "comm" in the search-for line.
Almost 10 minutes more to find the line -- seventh line down.
Tech Support: "What does the line read?"
Customer: "'comm.drv=rhodsi.drv'"
Bingo! Home stretch now. Have the user comment out that line
and put in Windows' driver back.
Tech Support: "Now exit out of Windows and restart."
Customer: "Windows won't start. It says something about a
device driver."

I'm grateful now for using SysEdit. Restore the backup SysEdit
automatically makes. Try changing the line using DOS Edit
three times. Each time is the same -- device driver error.
Tech Support: "Type 'copy system.syd system.ini' and hit
Enter."
Customer: "Ok."
Tech Support: "Type 'win' and hit Enter."
Customer: "It's starting."
Tech Support: "You should be set then."










                              - o -