The Dungeon - Part 2
            More helpful tips for Evil Overlords

     This Dungeon List is Copyright 1996-1998 by Peter
     Anspach <Anspach@aol.com>. If you enjoy it, feel free
             to pass it along or post it anywhere.

I will hire one hopelessly stupid and incompetent lieutenant, but
make sure that he is full of misinformation when I send him to
capture the hero.

As an equal-opportunity employer, I will have several hearing-
impaired body-guards. That way if I wish to speak confidentially
with someone, I'll just turn my back so the guards can't read my
lips instead of sending all of them out of the room.

If the rebels manage to trick me, I will make a note of what they
did so that I do not keep falling for the same trick over and over
again.

If I am recruiting to find someone to run my computer systems, and
my choice is between the brilliant programmer who's head of the
world's largest international technology conglomerate and an
obnoxious 15-year-old dork who's trying to impress his dream
girl, I'll take the brat and let the hero get stuck with the
genius.

I will plan in advance what to do with each of my enemies if they
are captured. That way, I will never have to order someone to be
tied up while I decide his fate.

If I have massive computer systems, I will take at least as many
precautions as a small business and include things such as
virus-scans and firewalls.

I will be an equal-opportunity despot and make sure that terror
and oppression is distributed fairly, not just against one
particular group that will form the core of a rebellion.


I will allow guards to operate under a flexible work schedule.
That way if one is feeling sleepy, he can call for a replacement,
punch out, take a nap, and come back refreshed and alert to finish
out his shift.

I will not locate a base in a volcano, cave, or any other location
where it would be ridiculously easy to bypass security by
rapelling down from above.

Although it would provide amusement, I will not confess to the
hero's rival that I was the one who committed the heinous act for
which he blames the hero.

I will have my fortress exorcized regularly. Although ghosts in
the dungeon provide an appropriate atmosphere, they tend to
provide valuable information once placated.

I will add indelible dye to the moat. It won't stop anyone from
swimming across, but even dim-witted guards should be able to
figure out when someone has entered in this fashion.

If I am dangling over a precipice and the hero reaches his hand
down to me, I will not attempt to pull him down with me. I will
allow him to rescue me, thank him properly, then return to the
safety of my fortress and order his execution.

If a scientist with a beautiful and unmarried daughter refuses to
work for me, I will not hold her hostage. Instead, I will offer to
pay for her future wedding and her children's college tuition.

If I have the hero cornered and am about to finish him off and he
says "Look out behind you!!" I will not laugh and say "You don't
expect me to fall for that old trick, do you?" Instead I will take
a step to the side and half turn. That way I can still keep my
weapon trained on the hero, I can scan the area behind me, and if
anything was heading for me it will now be heading for him.

If I ever build a device to transfer the hero's energy into me, I
will make sure it cannot operate in reverse.

I will not outsource core functions.

I will decree that all hay be shipped in tightly-packed bales. Any
wagonload of loose hay attempting to pass through a checkpoint
will be set on fire.

I will not hold any sort of public celebration within my castle
walls. Any event open to members of the public will be held down
the road in the festival pavilion.

I will hire a drama coach. The hero will think it must be a case
of mistaken identity when confronted by my Minnesota accent (if
everyone sounds American) or my Cornwall accent (if everyone
sounds British).

If I capture an enemy known for escaping via ingenious and
fantastic little gadgets, I will order a full cavity search and
confiscate all personal items before throwing him in my dungeon.


Before using any device which transfers energy directly into my
body, I will install a surge suppresser.

I will not devise any scheme in which Part A consists of tricking
the hero into unwittingly helping me and Part B consists of
laughing at him then leaving him to his own devices.

I will not hold lavish banquets in the middle of a famine. The
good PR among the guests doesn't make up for the bad PR among the
masses.

I will funnel some of my ill-gotten gains into urban renewal
projects.  Although slums add a quaint and picturesque quality to
any city, they too often contain unexpected allies for heroes.

I will never tell the hero "Yes I was the one who did it, but
you'll never be able to prove it to that incompetent old fool."
Chances are, that incompetant old fool is standing behind the
curtain.

I will not appoint a relative to my staff of advisors. Not only is
nepotism the cause of most breakdowns in policy, but it also
causes trouble with the EEOC.

If my mad scientist/wizard tells me he has almost perfected my
Superweapon but it still needs more testing, I will wait for him
to complete the tests.  No one ever conquered the world using a
beta version.

If I appoint someone as my consort, I will not subsequently inform
her that she is being replaced by a younger, more attractive
woman.

I will make several ludicrously erroneous maps to secret passages
in my fortress and hire travellers to entrust them to aged
hermits.

I will not use hostages as bait in a trap. Unless you're going to
use them for negotiation or as human shields, there's no point in
taking them.

I will not make alliances with those more powerful than myself.
Such a person would only double-cross me in my moment of glory. I
will make alliances with those less powerful than myself. I will
then double-cross them in their moment of glory.

I will hire an expert marksman to stand by the entrance to my
fortress. His job will be to shoot anyone who rides up to
challenge me.

If I am using the hero's girlfriend as a hostage and am holding
her at the point of imminent death when confronting the hero, I
will focus on her and not him. He won't try anything with his true
love held hostage.  On the other hand, the fact that she has been
weak, slow-witted, naive and generally useless up to this point
has no bearing on her actions at the moment of dramatic climax.

I will explain to my Legions of Terror that guns are ranged
weapons and swords are not. Anyone who attempts to throw a sword
at the hero or club him with a gun will be summarily executed.

I will hire an entire squad of blind guards. Not only is this in
keeping with my status as an equal opportunity employer, but it
will come in handy when the hero becomes invisible or douses my
only light source.

All giant serpents acting as guardians in underground lakes will
be fitted with sports goggles to prevent eye injuries.

I will remember that any vulnerabilities I have are to be revealed
strictly on a need-to-know basis. I will also remember that no one
needs to know.

During times of peace, my Legions of Terror will not be permitted
to lie around drinking mead and eating roast boar. Instead they
will be required to obey my dietician and my aerobics instructor.

All crones with the ability to prophesy will be given free
facelifts, permanents, manicures, and Donna Karan wardrobes. That
should pretty well destroy their credibility.

I will not employ an evil wizard if he has a sleazy mustache.

All repair work will be done by an in-house maintenance staff.
Any alleged "repairmen" who show up at the fortress will be
escorted to the dungeon.

When my Legions of Terror park their vehicle to do reconnaissance
on foot, they will be instructed to employ The Club.

Employees will have conjugal visit trailers which they may use
provided they call in a replacement and sign out on the timesheet.
Given this, anyone caught making out in a closet while leaving
their station unmonitored will be shot.

Members of my Legion of Terror will attend seminars on Sensitivity
Training.  It's good public relations for them to be kind and
courteous to the general population when not actively engaged in
sowing chaos and destruction.

All guest-quarters will be bugged and monitored so that I can keep
track of what the visitors I have for some reason allowed to roam
about my fortress are actually plotting.

I will not, under any circumstances, marry a woman I know to be a
faithless, conniving, back-stabbing witch simply because I am
absolutely desperate to perpetuate my family line. Of course, we
can still date.

If my chief engineer displeases me, he will be shot, not
imprisoned in the dungeon or beyond the traps he helped design.

I will not send out battalions composed wholly of robots or
skeletons against heroes who have qualms about killing living
beings.

I will not wear long, heavy cloaks. While they certainly make a
bold fashion statement, they have an annoying tendency to get
caught in doors or tripped over during an escape.

If a malignant being demands a sacrificial victim of a particular
quality, I will check to make sure said victim has this quality
immediately before the sacrifice and not rely on earlier results.
(Especially if the quality is virginity and the victim is the
hero's girlfriend.)

If I ever MUST put a digital timer on my doomsday device, I will
buy one free from quantum mechanical anomalies. So many brands on
the market keep perfectly good time while you're looking at them,
but whenever you turn away for a couple minutes then turn back,
you find that the countdown has progressed by only a few seconds.

If my Legions of Terror are defeated in a battle, I will quietly
withdraw and regroup instead of launching a haphazard mission to
assassinate the hero.

If I'm wearing the key to the hero's shackles around my neck and
his former girlfriend now volunteers to become my mistress and we
are all alone in my bedchamber on my bed and she offers me a
goblet of wine, I will politely decline the offer.

I will not pick up a glowing ancient artifact and shout "It's
power is now mine!!!" Instead I will grab some tongs, transfer it
to a hazardous materials container, and transport it back to my
lab for study.

I will be selective in the hiring of assassins. Anyone who attempt
to strike down the hero the first instant his back is turned will
not even be considered for the job.

Whatever my one vulnerability is, I will fake a different one. For
example, ordering all mirrors removed from the palace, screaming
and flinching whenever someone accidentally holds up a mirror,
etc. In the climax when the hero whips out a mirror and thrusts it
at my face, my reaction will be "Hmm...I think I need a shave."

My force-field generators will be located inside the shield they
generate.


I reserve the right to execute any henchmen who appear to be a
little too intelligent, powerful, or devious. However if I do so,
I will not at some subsequent point shout "Why am I surrounded by
these incompetent fools?!"

I will install a fire extinguisher in every room -- three, if the
room contains vital equipment or volatile chemicals.

I will build machines which simply fail when overloaded, rather
than wipe out all nearby henchmen in an explosion or worse yet set
off a chain reaction. I will do this by using devices known as
"surge protectors".

I will explain to my guards that most people have their eyes in
the front of their heads and thus while searching for someone it
makes little sense to draw a weapon and slowly back down the
hallway.

     Those who helped create the Top 100 List have kept their
     positions of honor even if their entries wound up here.
     However, others have offered their aid, albeit late, and
     so still deserve some reward.  If I ever become an Evil
     Overlord, they following people will be granted luxury
     suites in my dungeon and receive a diet of fresh-baked
     bread and imported mineral water.














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