Adventurers' Convention - The Alternative Report From The Survivor Friday 19th October 2001. As we travelled south-bound down the M1 it became obvious to me that I had no idea what I was letting myself in for. My brief for the weekend was clear - I would drive to the hotel, I would prop up the bar and I would make sure I was sober to drive back on Sunday. To my surprise, as I drove the car through torrential rain, I came up with the solution for a problem, (no not world peace), but the solution for a problem in a game that Karen is writing. I hear you gasp in surprise that I was even thinking about an adventure game, but in my defence the seed for thought had been placed in my mind several days earlier by the sneaky woman. Anyway, back to the business at hand. We arrived at the Allesley Hotel just outside Coventry to be greeted by Edwina. After the initial off-loading of the car, booking in and getting to our rooms, we decided that the best place to find everybody that had already arrived would be in the bar, and we were not disappointed! There were all the usual greetings and hugs, and as I sat and watched these people interact I came to the conclusion that I had discovered a new species, and I had no idea what language they were speaking. I'm sure if you contacted the hotel and asked the bar staff about the 14 loonies they had to feed on the Friday night you would send them into, well whatever the bar equivalent of road rage is. So after harassing the bar staff and complaining about the price of the food we started as we, (well I), meant to go on, by ordering the drinks. For the rest of Friday evening I did exactly what I intended to do - drink beer. I kind of lost count but I do remember trying to tell Jill, my drinking buddy, a story, and it took me about 12 attempts in about 20 minutes to get the first line out. Not because of the alcohol you understand, (although that did have something to do with it), but the real reason it took me so long was because I couldn't speak for laughing. For those of you who were there and are getting a bit worried about what I might say next - well never mind, you had your chance to pay me off at the weekend! Here is a little snippet of some of the conversations:- Colin - 'I can't find my underwear. I wonder if I left it in Edwina's room?' Edwina - 'Have you got mine on Colin?' (A bit of advice - don't even ask about that one!) Friday night continued with lots more drinking & laughter, then I went to bed at some point... Saturday 20th October 2001. Who's bright idea was it to have an alarm call at 07:00 am!? I didn't even know what the noise was when the phone rang, let alone where I was. The thought of breakfast made me cringe, so I did what any normal person would do, I went back to sleep! I re-awoke at the much more reasonable hour of 10:00 am. After convincing my body that it really was time to get up, I made myself presentable, made a quick phone call, and was promptly collected from my room and taken to the Mother Ship. (Maybe I was still a little hung over!?) On my arrival in the convention room Frank Fridd came and found me to see if I wanted to do the Megapoints game. My talents must have been slipping, because at this point my usual look of 'what the hell do you take me for?' just didn't work on Frank, so I had to resort to words - 'no thanks', (at least, that's the polite version!) As I sat and attempted to focus my eyes, I spotted Jill (my drinking buddy), and to my relief she looked as bad as me. From the name badges I could see, it appeared that all the usual Adventurettes were there together with a few newcomers (myself included). They all seemed to be enjoying themselves, and they reminded me of Bertie Bassett. (For the benefit of those of you who don't get that one - Allsorts!) There was lots of excitement as the Megapoints game took hold. Everyone was desperate to win - I guess it must be a status symbol with this species. At lunch time some of us decided that fresh air would be a good idea, and I was definitely in need of something! We were informed that there was a shop 150 yards down the road. At this point I won't mention any names, but if a man tells you a distance, double it, add 100 and then another 100 just for good measure and you'll be about right! (The letters N,A,D, and Y spring to mind here, but not necessarily in that order!) After lunch I couldn't handle the daylight any longer so excused myself and went back to bed safe in the knowledge that the restaurant we were going to that evening was 150 yards away - that had been walked already by Sue. Just before I leave my account of the morning, can I ask you people a question? Why is it that when you haven't seen someone for a long-time, or you haven't even met them before, you always ask for money? Is it a custom for you? Answers on a postcard please. Now where was I? Oh yeah, food. We left the hotel and walked to the local restaurant where the nice people had set aside a room for us - probably didn't want their other customers to leave en masse. I have to say, and I think those of you that were there will agree, that the food was good. There was a bit of a wait, but then again there were 24 of us. Unfortunately not everyone eats as fast as me, and I wasn't quite sure what Edwina meant when she said she was a slow eater, but I can let you into a secret, I timed her - 40 minutes! Quite impressive really. I must also tell you that during the course of the meal Karen had a call from the Crumblies. For those of you who haven't read Anonymum then get some back issues of Probe, then you'll know that this is really just another normal day in Yorkshire for us. Anyway the phone call from FC1 (female crumblie 1) went something like this: FC1 - "We've got no heating or hot water" Karen - "Have you checked the boiler house?" FC1 - "No, I wouldn't know where to look." Karen - "Just go into the boiler house and see if the lock-out light is on." FC1 - "Oh I couldn't do that I don't know what it looks like." Karen - "What do you want me to do? We're 150 miles away and we've both had a drink?" FC1 - "Can you tell me how to fix it?" Karen - "Just turn the central heating off at the main point and switch on the immersion heater. You won't get cold if you use your own electric heater, but you must switch off the central heating at the control point or the immersion won't come on." FC1 - " What are we going to do about the heating if it gets cold?" Karen - "Look we'll be home tomorrow and we can sort it out then. Bye mum." Something always goes wrong when you're having fun, and believe me when you have 2 elderly people in the house it is a good idea not to have gas! We don't, so I guess that's why we're still here! So after eating lots of food we headed back to the hotel bar. Yes I know that's a big surprise. Having been in the bar for about 20 minutes, I got a text message on my phone informing me that all was well back in Yorkshire, and that we now had heating and hot water. If MC1 (male crumblie 1) hadn't turned them off at the control point, they would have been working all along!!!! He cleaned the switch and turned it off!! Now do you see what Karen and I have to live with? Of course I relayed the update to everyone in the bar and they all fell about laughing. We had another drinking session and this time the topic of conversation went from moles to worms! Ask Sue or John Scott for full details, as I think I would run out of paper. Danny was recovering from the afternoon session in the local pub watching rugby, so wasn't into a heavy drinking session, but I wish he'd invited me! For those of you out there who use the excuse that it's too far to come for a weekend, I'd like to point out that Danny and Lorna came from Scotland, so that excuse is out of the question for next year! No-one really wanted to go to bed but we knew that the end was inevitable and slowly we drifted from the bar. Sunday 21st October 2001. This time I made it for breakfast! Yes you should be impressed - I was. There were a few already up and eating when we arrived at the breakfast room, and as we ate, knowing that our time was coming to an end, a couple of others joined us. We slowly left the table and headed for our rooms to pack our things. We said our goodbyes in the same place we said our hellos - the bar. It was rather sad, after all I had spent a weekend of my life with these people. Granted they are a bit strange, but aren't we all? Some memorable moments and comments from the weekend:- Jenny Perry's photos (ahh! Isn't Brian lovely?), and some story about a foot! Don't ask me, ask Jenny. Beer. Sue Roseblade's quote of the day - 'men don't like ferrets!' Again I say don't ask me. Bacardi. 'Why do men have nipples?' More beer. 'Why do Kamikaze pilots wear helmets?' More Bacardi. 'The mole is back.' Thanks everyone, you never know, I might be back next year. If I've missed anything then please don't hesitate not to tell me, and don't forget your answers on a postcard. Finally, to Larry, well done, you've done a great job over the last few years. - o -