DOING IT THE MILLS AND BOON WAY An article by Bev Truter Yes indeedy, I confess to having consumed many Mills and Boon (aka Swills and Moon) romances in years past; (blush, cringe) and after exhaustive research I discovered the following: that all M&B paperbacks are based on one single plot, which is:- Woman meets and falls in love with man, a lot of stuff happens in between (misunderstandings, tensions, ex-girlfriends turn up unexpectedly, ex-boyfriends prove a nuisance, etc. etc.), then all is resolved and explained, the happy couple get married, and (presumably) live happily ever after. The End. But there's more! Other than this lone plot line, M&B romances appear to conform to the following rules as well: No heroine is over the age of 35, and more often than not she's under 25. She certainly cannot be overweight or downright ugly; "fairly attractive" is the minimum standard of beauty required - "gorgeous" or "truly beautiful" seems to be the norm for these otherwise "ordinary" M&B heroines. No heroine can be dishonest, lazy or a real slob. Untidiness is permitted occasionally. She may be spoilt rotten by doting parents, but must always be concerned about the welfare and feelings of all friends and family members, children and the elderly. The heroine must love children, pets and gardening. Although she may start off being a hopeless cook, by the book's end she MUST have learned some basic culinary skills. The heroine is usually English, but occasionally Canadian, American or South African (White). Sometimes has emotional problems carried over from previous encounters with unsuitable men, but these problems are resolved sooner or later when Mr Right pops into the story. No hero is obese, balding, wears dentures, or is over the age of 42. No hero is poor, alcoholic, a criminal, or in any other way socially unacceptable. Although he may have been poor at one time during his youth, by the time he meets the heroine, he must be (a) preferably very wealthy, or (b) at least comfortably well-off. The 'poorest' hero I can recall in a M&B romance was a Private Investigator - the truck-driver in another one turned out to be the owner of the whole fleet of trucks, wouldn't you know it. No hero has an IQ less than 130, which explains why so many of them are self-made millionaires. However, high IQ or no, most of them sound as thick as several short planks due to the inane chunks of dialogue written for them by the authors. No hero is Black or Asian, although he may sometimes be French, German, Greek, Italian or an Arab sheikh. If the latter, then it's preferable that at least one of his parents was/is Anglo-Saxon. All heroes *must* speak English fluently, and be well-educated. No hero is physically handicapped in any way - although he may be losing his sight or actually blind on rare occasions, it is always an operable/curable condition. About twenty years ago I DID read one M&B book that had (shock! horror!) a hero with only one arm; but that was obviously before M&B created their "rule sheets" for budding writers of romantic fiction. Apparently if you wish to try your hand at writing a M&B romance for publication, there's a list of Things to Do comprising the 'formula' that must be strictly adhered to if you ever want your efforts to see the light of day. This formula specifies the maximum number of pages and chapters to be used, as well as how events must be structured - eg, heroine must be described/introduced to the reader by the end of the second page, heroine must meet hero by end of sixth page. Some type of conflict or misunderstanding must be introduced in the second chapter, etc. This formula must be followed through, step by step, to the end. All this information I gleaned from an acquaintance, who was considering writing a M&B story, until he received his 'How to Write' kit from M&B outlining the rules you have to stick to in order to be a publishable M&B author. Well, that certainly killed all ambition to write a Swills and Moon story.... The End. - o -