For All Microsoft Addicts ...
         from cyberspace (original author unknown)

In the early 1980s most major computer manufacturers agreed to
stop forcing people to learn a bunch of different operating
systems, and instead adopt a single, uniform, standardized
operating system so absurdly non-intuitive that nobody could learn
it. This system was called MS-DOS.

The MS, of course, stood for Microsoft, the company that was
started by the brilliant software genius Bill Gates. Gates is a
very rich man today -- Forbes magazine estimates that he's worth
more than the entire O.J. Simpson defense team combined -- and do
you want to know why? The answer is one word: versions.

To understand what I mean by versions, let's consider an analogy
involving cars. Suppose you've purchased a new car, and you notice
that, although it does move, it goes very slowly, is extremely
hard to steer, and makes a loud scraping sound.  You study this
problem for a while, and you conclude that the most likely cause
is that the car does not have any front wheels. So you mention
this to the salesperson, and he tells you that you have Version
1.0 of the car, but that Version 1.1 will be out shortly, and it
will feature wheels in front as well as back. So when Version 1.1
comes out, you upgrade, which means you pay money. But you're
happy, because now you have a car with a complete set of wheels,
and you're totally satisfied with it from the moment that you pull
out of the dealer's lot to the moment, about 90 seconds later,
when you drive into a public fountain. This is when find out that
brakes are not scheduled to appear until Version 1.3.

This is very much the way MS-DOS worked. The original version,
1.0, did virtually nothing except cause the computer screen to
say:

A:

That was it. Really. Ask anybody who used MS-DOS computers back
then. You'd turn them on, and there'd be this A: staring back at
you. What did it mean? Why A:? Why not some other letter, or even
an actual word? And what was the little pointy thing for? We will
never know the answer. It's one of the many mysteries of MS-DOS.

So, anyway, people would turn on their computers, and stare at the
A: for awhile, scratching their heads, and then finally they'd try
typing something after the A:, perhaps something like:

A: HELLO

But here was the crucial thing about MS-DOS Version 1.0: No matter
what you typed in, it would respond as follows:

BAD COMMAND OR FILE NAME

Then, with no further explanation, it would go back to:

A:

There were rumors -- never verified -- that if you typed in
certain secret code words, you could get some response other than
A: or BAD COMMAND OR FILE NAME, but if there were such code words,
only Bill Gates ever knew what they were.  So mainly what this
version of the MS-DOS was used for -- millions of man-hours were
spent on this -- was trying to get it to do something, anything.
If you were to travel back in time and look at the average
person's computer screen during that era, you'd see what looked
like a conversation between the computer user and an unusually
hostile employee of the Department of Motor Vehicles:

A: HELLO

BAD COMMAND OR FILE NAME

A: HELP

BAD COMMAND OR FILE NAME

A: DO SOMETHING!

BAD COMMAND OR FILE NAME

A:RUN A PROGRAM, DAMMIT!

BAD COMMAND OR FILE NAME

A:**** YOU

BAD COMMAND OR FILE NAME, ***HOLE

Arguing with your computer was pretty much all people did with
MS-DOS Version 1.0. So you can imagine how excited everybody was
when Microsoft came out with Version 1.1, which had a whole new
capability. In addition to doing this:

A:

It would sometimes also do this!

C:

A new letter! This was very, very exciting news for those of us in
the computer geek world. We all immediately upgraded to Version
1.1. Of course, no matter what we typed, it still answered BAD
COMMAND OR FILE NAME. But we felt renewed hope. Over the next few
years, Microsoft continued to come out with new improved versions
of MS-DOS, featuring a constantly expanding repertoire of
incomprehensible and/or scary screen messages, including:

B: NON-SYSTEM DISK OR DISK ERROR

INVALID SWITCH

PATH NOT FOUND

WARNING! ALL DATA WILL BE LOST!

And just about everybody's all-time favorite:

ABORT, RETRY, FAIL?

We loyal Microgeeks faithfully upgraded every time a new version
came out, until finally, somewhere around Version 3.7, we had
reached the point where we could use MS-DOS to actually run
programs on our computers, and Bill Gates had reached the point
where he had approximately 217 personal jet airplanes. I should
point out that, while all this MS-DOS masochismo was going on,
there was another kind of computer developing, in a parallel
universe. This was the Apple, and it operated on an entirely
different concept, which was: A regular human could use it. You
simply turned it on, and immediately, just like that, you could do
stuff with it. It had little pictures on the screen, and a little
mouse that made a pointer move to the picture you wanted; even a
child could understand this. For many years, while we MS-DOS
people were typing insanely obscure instructions like:
dir c:\abcproj\docs\lttrs\sales\apr\*.*
the Apple people were simply aiming their little mouse pointers at
little pictures and going click.

In short, the Apple was far easier to use. So the vast majority of
us serious computer users rejected it. As I noted in the
introduction, the main reason we have computers is so we can be
tormented by them. We don't want some wussy user- friendly
computer, we want a challenge!

That's why, to this very day, Apple is not considered by us
cyberwonks to be a truly serious computer. It is viewed as a
computer that is popular mainly with your flaky or artsy-fartsy
type of individual -- your artist, your poet, your beatnik, your
flower-arranger, your heroin addict, your Barry Manilow. We
serious users pride ourselves on wrestling with openly hostile
computers that are running on an operating system from the proud,
incomprehensible Microsoft tradition. That operating system, of
course, is Windows.

As I write these words, the computer world is still reverberating
with the excitement surrounding the introduction of Windows 95,
which replaced Windows Version 3.11, which replaced Windows
Version 3.1, which replaced Windows Version 3.0, and so on back to
the original Windows Version 1.0, which did nothing except put a
colorful Windows logo on the screen along with a message that said
OUT OF MEMORY.  Windows 95 represented a major step forward in the
sense that it was virtually nothing like any of the earlier
Windows versions and nobody had any idea how to use it. Naturally
it was hugely popular. Everybody wanted it; Microsoft was getting
bulk orders from rainforest-dwelling tribes that didn't even have
electricity.

Nevertheless, there are certain basic computer terms that you need
to try to familiarize yourself with, so that when you go to
purchase a computer, you don't sound like just some random putz.
Instead, you'll sound like a specific putz who memorized some
terms out of a book.

HARDWARE - This is the part of the computer that stops working
when you spill your beer on it.

SOFTWARE - These are the PROGRAMS that you put on the HARD DRIVE
by sticking them through the little SLOT. The function of the
software is to give instructions to the CPU, which is a set of
three initials inside the computer that rapidly processes billions
of tiny facts, called BYTES, and within a fraction of a second
sends you an ERROR MESSAGE that requires you to call the CUSTOMER
SUPPORT HOTLINE and be placed on HOLD for approximately the life
span of a CARIBOU. Software is usually accompanied by
DOCUMENTATION in the form of big fat scary MANUALS that nobody
ever reads. In fact, for the past five years most of the "manuals"
shipped with software products have actually been copies of
Stephen King's THE STAND with new covers pasted on.

MEGAHERTZ - This is a really, really big hertz.

RAM - This is a shorthand way of referring to "ROM." The unit of
measurement for RAM is the "MEG", which stands for a certain
amount of RAM. The function of RAM is to give guys a way of
deciding whose computer has the biggest, studliest, most tumescent
MEMORY. This is important, because with today's complex software,
the more memory a computer has, the faster it can produce error
messages. So the bottom line is, if you're a guy, you cannot have
enough RAM. BILL GATES currently has over 743 billion "megs" of

RAM, and he still routinely feels the need to stuff a ZUCCHINI in
his UNDERWEAR.

You should use the preceding terms whenever you have to
"interface" with computer experts. For example, if you're
purchasing a new computer, you want to use as many of these terms
as possible, so that store personnel will realize that they're
dealing with a person who has a high level of technical
expertise:

STORE PERSONNEL: May I help you?

YOU: I'm looking for a "hard drive" with plenty of "RAM" in the
"megahertz."

STORE PERSONNEL: You want the computer store next door. This is a
supermarket.

YOU: Let me see your "zucchini."
                              - o -